Feeling like public enemy number 1.

I’ve seen multiple of your post and i just want to let you know that Jesus loves you. He has been my comfort and hope in the midst of all my suffering with OCD and i’m praying for you that He meets you where you’re at. He loves you despite whatever horrible things you feel like you’ve done. Give Him a chance and see what He can do in your life. I’m here to talk & pray for you if you need it.

In Christianity we are all broken, but Jesus can set us free from guilt and shame. “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭1‬ No matter what you have done or what you think you have done, Jesus is there for you and wants to get to know you.

To God it’s not about simply being a good person, it’s about freely accepting His forgiveness

Okay, I'm not a therapist but it sounds like you are suffering from moral scrupulosity and POCD (fear of being a pedophile). I hear a lot of "I feel like" I don't think you've done any of these things. You're obsessing over past events. That obsession is bringing about false memories to condemn yourself and that added uncertainty is what's killing you. I'm "convinced" I've been abusive. I'm "convinced" I've seen abusive material. I'm "convinced" I want to do violence. It is so easy to convince yourself you're a bad person when you are in a negative headspace and creating false memories. You've admitted to yourself you can't tell what's real. Going to the cops about these crimes you think and likely made up would be pointless. There would be no evidence of these crimes you could give the police because it's all BS you made in your head. I'll be blunt. Seeing a violent movie trailer and having the passing thought of committing violence is not the same as a serious intent to commit violence. Gaslighting yourself that some random thing you saw on a pornography site was CP is not the same as viewing CP. Convincing yourself that you have hurt your friend is not the same as hurting your friend. It must suck to be unsure if you did these things. I don't believe you're a violent person or a pedophile. I don't believe you have done these things you have convinced yourself you have done. What I am convinced is you are a suffering individual self flagellating stuck in a crappy environment. Someone as heinous as you described would not be self flagellating this much. It is a waste of your time and I hope some day you can move beyond that. Please talk to a therapist about this. It will take time but they can help you. No therapist here is going to call the cops on someone with POCD or thinking they might have committed a serious crime. Therapists do mandated reporting to concrete serious immediate threats not this "might have" "maybe" "false memory" stuff. I will leave you with this. If you cannot deal with the uncertainty that you're violent, abusive, a pedophile, or whatever else you are worrying about. Accept the very real possibility that you DIDN'T do these things instead of defaulting to the worst possible scenario. Do not give up. Get a therapist here and keep at it. It takes time. I will be thinking of you.

It’s hard to live by. But I try to remember when I start questioning things,or who I was in the moment, I can usually pin it on ocd. And then you’re able to sit with that feeling. And treat it like a real person, sitting with u. You don’t need to be friendly to it, or hate it. Just acknowledge it. The key is not trying to disprove the thoughts, push them away, or identify with it. Harder said than done, but sit with the uncomfortable feeling instead of pushing it away and asking “am I” “did I” “should I” those are all your ocd trying to take advantage of you. Much love. I understand you…