So ocd

@Cat-Mom I should also add many women who identify as straight prefer lesbian erotica. Studies have shown that women are much more fluid in sexual expression. All of that’s to say, a woman may even find another more sexually exciting than her male partner without wanting to leave him. In short, there are lots of ways you can still be with a man even if the answer wasn’t you are 100% straight. (This isn’t a conversion thing I promise, sexuality is just complicated!)

@Cat-Mom Yeah I’ve heard about it before. I’m just really scared that I don’t actually want to be with a man and if a girl would flirt with me I will like it and if a man would I won’t feel anything. It’s stupid since I don’t know what will happen because I’ve never experienced anything like this but it’s kinda making me doubt even more. Idk

@Anonymousgirl4 I get it. But even if that was the case, so what? I’ve had girls flirt with me and it was exciting. Being excited by or curious to try something doesn’t necessarily mean you are the thing you fear!

@anca It does fr, I honestly didn’t expect this many replies😭 But it’s kind of nice to know that at least we are not alone

@anca I think we definitely do!! Thats crazy

@minioooons Yeah I think it’ll be the best I can do rn. It’s just kinda hard because I noticed that i use my phone to kinda stop overthinking because I’m scared that if I’ll sit in silence or just so anything else then my mind will start another cycle. It’s pointless honestly because social media are also triggering me sometimes lol

@Anonymousgirl4 agree if anything try using this time to do other hobbies that’s what’s been helping me too like anything honestly I love listening to books, bedazzling, painting, journaling all of it!

@Firefly girl Oh I totally get you. My friend is bi and I started freaking out that she might like me and I had moment where I wanted to never see her again because I was so anxious

@jag92 ohh tell me something about it🙉 what happened to me, is that i started to feel in my 20’s something to my university teacher. And for the first time i felt like ohh, i do feel physically aroused thinking about him and i was like LOL? I started to have sexual and romantic fantasies. And i was like…..wait, i dont think i ever felt something like this for a men before. It was quite intense? Very surprising and new. But he is unavailable too. :DD

@ninkaninga Yes definitely! And if anyone available who seems nice shows any interest in me before I like them I get the ick so bad!

@jag92 I get it and im scared its because im gay😔😔😔

@ninkaninga Me too!

@ninkaninga Yeah, unfortunately i can relate

@Anonymousgirl4 Do u also feel like when u come across these videos you HAVE TO watch them? Like u cant skip them? To check and compare if u relate or not?

@ninkaninga Yeah, I am trying to skip some of them but I have the urge to watch it and compare it to my life to see if I for sure don’t relate it. It always ends up with anxiety or just me being worried because i’m starting to believe that I do relate to the video. I also find myself watching some videos over and over to prove myself that I feel neutral or restarting one video until I’ll watch it without feeling anything weird, even if my breath is like slightly faster I’m convinced it’s attraction.

@Anonymousgirl4 Ohhhhh how i relate to breathing part 🙏 like your heart drops

@ninkaninga Yeah. Tho I’m kind of stressed out lately because since I realized that I might have ocd it’s like I stopped having clear anxiety and this reactions for example that heart drop are not happening that often anymore. It’s making me believe that it was never ocd(I mean I wasn’t diagnosed so idk). Sometimes I get the urge to imagine scenario in my head that i’m with a girl to check my reaction and I was always getting anxiety etc, and lately all I get is I just like kinda furrow my brows and shake the thought away? Idk how to explain it but yeah and my mind is trying to tell me like „try to imagine it again but without being so against it” and I kinda do, and then I freak out because I didn’t feel any negative reaction. Idk if it’s only me but it’s honestly awful. Like idk what to think anymore

@Anonymousgirl4 I do the same. And im not diagnosed either. 🥺 i always test myself with those scenarios. And when i dont feel much anxiety then im like “does this mean i actually wouldn’t be so against it? or i secretly want that?”

@Anonymousgirl4 I do this too! And sometimes get aroused but I don’t want to be 😔

@jag92 I heard about something called groinal response. So it might not be arousal but a sensation similar to it that’s caused by anxiety etc. Although idk in my case if I experience arousal that I’m just scared of or is it acc just groinal response.

@Elsielou Honestly I have no idea how mine started. I think I had a moment where I lost interest in relationships for a while and didn’t feel anything for men and I started overthinking if this means that I might be a lesbian. But I also feel numb to men rn. Like sure I can notice a man is attractive and be „attracted”? But idk if it is me being attracted or just simply noticing someone is good looking and trying to convince myself it’s attraction. Like I know that I don’t want to be in romantic relationship with a woman, but I’m scared that I might be physically attracted to them and I don’t want it to be.

@Anonymousgirl4 @anonymousgirl14 see mine started with rocd where I had a thought what if you don’t want too be with your partner and it broke my heart then I was just watching a film and a women was a lesbian and then I layed in bed that night and was like omg what if that’s me! And since then it’s taken all arousal away from me towards men and now I just feel like I look at women when I really don’t want too, It’s such a horrible thing to go through and I feel like my worlds just gone upside down. I wake up with worry I go to bed with the worry, and it feels so real but I no I don’t want a relationship with a woman?

@Elsielou It really is awful. I think the arousal might have been „taken away” because you’ve been checking and overthinking and this way you don’t experience feelings naturally but they are all under a microscope, so it’s harder to experience arousal or attraction when your thoughts are like „why don’t I feel anything?”. Of course idk if it’s the same in your case but I think it might explain why the feeling disappeared. Of course it’s just a maybe, idk if it’s a fact, I’m just guessing what could the cause be.

@Anonymousgirl4 I think our stories are very similar in different ways. We can’t just relax and overthinking constantly defiantly does take away the positive side of things, are you in therapy at all? X

@Elsielou Yeah, I recently went to a therapy because I was just done taking care of this by myself. It’s not anyone that specializes in ocd, I went to a regular therapist for now. I gotta get diagnosed first I think. I’ll be going on a second session in like two weeks, we’ll be talking more about ocd since the first session was also about yk overall my life. I’m just rly scared that it won’t be ocd after all.

@Anonymousgirl4 You need to remember though with ocd all these worries and thoughts can feel so real. Well done too you for going to therapy. It’s a hard choice to make but it does really help in the long run x

@Anonymousgirl4 Sounds like how I think exactly 😔

@Anonymousgirl4 I also dont want to be in a relationship with a woman and also scared that i will end up like that :((

@ninkaninga Fr like I’m afraid that if I’ll be in relationship with a man I’ll realize that I don’t acctually feel anything, like arousal or attraction, and I will realize that I am a lesbian and I was too scared to admit it before. Like I rly don’t want it to be true but I feels so real

@Elsielou Mine started when i was 14, i dont really know how. But i remember this moment. I was a big fan of this female singer and she had a tattoo on her arm. And i kinda liked that. And I wanted to be like her (since i was little girl i always copied other girls, women, friends, singers….etc. and wanted to be exactly like them. So nothing sexual or romantic about it.). Anyway, i tried to draw that “tattoo” on my arm with a marker and when i looked at my arm i thought: „This looks like a lesbian tattoo.” And i do remember that i somehow started spiralling and i got scared and this cold fear came through me. Ohhh goshhh. I dont know if this was thw first trigger of HOCD. I personally think that i might have always had ocd to some extent in my life before, but it was hidden??? Because I used to have some rituals before sleeping, having some bad thoughts etc, maybe some magical thinking too? Who knows. As a child i think i did have some boy crushes. I even saw porn very early in my life (i was 6). So me, as a little girl I was always so curious about sex and peoples private parts. Anyway, i just wanted to say, that maybe even porn has something to with this HOCD (because i watched lesbian porn and solo female porn few times when i was 13). Also I have never really been boy crazy. My parents had very toxic relationship, basically i never saw a healthy example of loving relationship and how men should treat women. As a child or pre-teen or maybe even teenager i was scared, it was toxic, manipulative, maybe even emotionally abusive to some extent. I feel like i have some trauma. I felt like i was living in a non-stop uncertainty because i could never predict how my dad’s gonna behave. So in conclusion, i talked to my mom many times about my HOCD, about my feelings and about my fear of being a lesbian, of me being so afraid of relationships, and being anxious. And how numb i feel, how i dont feel anything not even an interest, how im scared that im just asexual/aromantic who can’t fall in love (even thought thats something i deep down really crave for). So my mom told me her honest opinion, that she doesn’t think im a lesbian, she said that she thinks i dont have a sexuality problem but rather some trauma because of past experience.

@Anonymousgirl4 I always feel like this🥺

Personally, I can't pinpoint a moment when it started because I had several triggers in highschool but they never developped into an actual obsession until years later. Like I had my first episode of soocd in 2020 after playing a game where my character was bisexual and I kept sending her on dates with the girl and when I realized I closed the game and never played it again. And immediately after that I was watching a show and there was a sex scene and I was looking at the girl and I asked myself why am I not looking at the man more. And it was all downhill from there. But there had been triggers before the game. Like three years before that I was watching a reality show with my friends and the men on the show were super muscular which I've never been attracted to. And they kept saying how it's Impossible not to be attracted to them and I remember having the thought "am I a lesbian" because I didn't find them attractive. And then like a year later my friends started asking me if I like girls because I had never had a crush on any guy and I remember that the thought scared me really bad and that I kept thinking what if my friends see somehting I don't and they are right. I don't know if these moments were me experiencing intrusive thoughts or genuine reasonable doubt though, so I suppose the game and more so, the show is where it really started. And up until this year it was manageable. Back in 2020 I reassured myself that I've had many celebrity crushes who were all men and that maybe I'm not 100% straight and I don't really care abt it. And that was enough to be able to live my life pretty normally. Then in 2021 I started having a really big crush on a guy from university and I was certain I was straight and I liked him up until last year and I guess the fact that I had a crush on a guy gave me a sense of safety. But last year, after I lost feelings for him, my obsession came back and this year it has completely taken over my life

@Elsielou I think that many people with this ocd theme get this experience. I honestly don’t know if what I experience is attraction. Like for example I see male celebrity and i can look at him and think that I am attracted and that he’s good looking but I don’t get any physical sensations. The attraction only happens in my head. So idk if it really is attraction or is it just me trying to convince myself because idk maybe a lot of people think he’s hot to I should too.

@Anonymousgirl4 I think that’s also very very common. It’s just your ocd putting doubt in your own head. I was boy obsessed before any of these thoughts/worries were In my head xx

@Anonymousgirl4 I swear our experiences are so similar omg

@Anonymousgirl4 Yes I get this!!!