Early morning anxiety attacks are the worst!

I was awakened about and hour ago w/ the worst feeling on anxiousness I've felt in a while. These episodes have been escalating these last few weeks. It's becoming more frequent than I like and despite all my eating healthy, drinking tons of water, vitamins & minerals to support my health. I still haven't gotten any better, just worse than before each time. At this point in life I can honestly say I feel defeated ‼️ Defeated as a man, a father and a family member. My mental health is changing right before my eyes and I dont know what to do to help myself. This past week of making these posts have saved my life because I don't know what else to do. I'm at my breaking point right now and I'm unsure of what the future holds for me! I'm not that sharp knife I once was, I've been dulled down by society. Now I'm left with a mess I have " 0 " ideas of how to begin to cleanup. The amount of shame, guilt, anxiety, depression and every negative feeling known to man is what I feel. I feel so low and I'm trying to climb back to my feet despite my feeling overwhelmed with negative feelings and emotions. If I knew what to do to change my situation I would act on it, I'm trying this venting to strangers vs friends & family. I've tried counseling, meditation, yoga, I even tried staying busy and that's the only thing that worked! But unfortunately for me I'm too sick on a daily to even work. I'm barely able to shower because I'm so exhausted from running the water and getting undressed, so halfway through the bath I'm exhausted. I don't know why but I literally feel like I'm dying inside and no one cares! I feel like my life is under attack because of a past relationship that was a toxic roller-coaster of mixed emotions and physical abuse. We both had our moments of being the aggressor but her more than I. I'm just not a violent person unless you provoke me/back me into a corner. I'm not proud I put myself in a situation where I had to defend myself against a woman. At that time I loved this woman more than any woman I've ever loved. But she wouldn't stop breaking my heart and being violent when I confronted her about it. This became an issue throughout our 15 years together and I endured every bit of it trying to hold on to what I thought was love! I don't know what to call it now that I look back, I just know that I was crazy about this woman. We've been apart for the last 8 years almost and unfortunately she passed away last October just 30 days after she turned 39yo. That hurt me, my kids mom has just suddenly died and all I can think about is how we could've saved our relationship but we couldn't stop fighting w/ each other. So I eventually left and started life over, alone and from scratch. I began working on my mental health and going to the gym, reading more, and Journaling my achievements. I went from sleeping in my aunts backyard inside my car for the next 3 months maybe, sleeping in my car other random places and showering wherever I could. I got better mentally, stronger and learned more about myself than before. I began to grow into a mature version of who I was, pushed by my circumstances I had no other options but do better. Fast forward another 2 months and I was ready to move into my first home 🥳‼️ And for the next 3 years I lived there until my employer sold the company and we all got layed off. I got a job maybe 2 months after the fact and it was probably the best thing that happened to me in years. I made more $ than I ever did before and was able to buy a home of my own and move both my boys in w/ me. I took care of everything for me & my boys! They didn't want anything because I was able to afford everything they needed. My oldest son moved out and gave me a grand daughter and now my youngest is on his way to college. I know I have so much to be proud of but my health isn't making it easy to live in the moment and enjoy these things. I never feel good anymore, I worry about everyone & everything and I'm stuck in a cycle of shame, anxiety and depression. I have an appointment today w/ a gastro specialist and I'm praying they can help me get back to work and healthy of course! I can't take looking at my kids, I can't financially support either of them because my health is so bad. Most of their lives I was in between jobs until I got out on my own then I realized what I had been doing wrong this whole time. I was living above my means to say the least! Being single taught me some financial literacy skills that I've been sharpening since. Now its not $ I need 1st, its my health. Only then I can get off my ass and back to work. I've never wanted to work so bad lol, it stresses me out that I'm stuck at home not able to work and everything. Well I think I got everything on my mind off for the moment, I pray for those battling mental health issues. 1 day at a time! Start your journey to peace today, keep track of your accomplishments and celebrate yourself sometimes ✌🏾🫶🏾⁉️