Hocd, soocd help

From when I was younger, I always labeled boys as crushes. It wasn’t like I was just doing it because I felt like I had to, at least it didn’t feel that way. I would get excited to see them, nervous around them, and I wanted them to think I was pretty or funny. A lot of the guys I liked were confident, funny, or had that kind of personality that made them stand out to me. Sometimes other people would think a guy was weird or not cute, but I would still like him because I liked his confidence or the way he could light up a room. I would want his attention and I would feel something when he noticed me. As I got older, I still liked boys and liked flirting with them. I kissed boys at parties and sometimes it was fun. But I also noticed that when a guy liked me too much, got too clingy, or gave me the ick, I would pull away. Sometimes I would think I could do better or I would pick apart things about them. But then if they moved on, I would miss them or feel jealous. There were guys I wanted attention from, like I would get nervous to see them out, want to run into them, and show my friends or my mom because I thought they were cute. So there has been real excitement with men, but also a pattern where I can pull away, get grossed out, or start questioning everything once it feels too close. With my boyfriend, it feels different because there is history and comfort. I have known him for a long time and we were on and off before we actually dated. When we first kissed, it felt good, but then when he got too clingy I pulled away. When he ghosted me and got popular and started getting with another girl, I was really heartbroken and jealous. I wanted him to see me again and I wanted to prove I was good enough. Then later we ended up dating, and we have been together for years. With him, I feel safe and comfortable, almost like family but also not just family. We hang out, cuddle, watch stuff, laugh, and I miss him when I can’t see him. When we are good, I want to talk to him all the time and be around him. There are times where I think he is hot or funny, and there are times where thinking about marrying him one day makes me more turned on. We have sex, and a lot of the time I am into it, I get wet, I orgasm, and I can be focused on him, kissing him, looking at him, or how it feels with him. Sometimes I have responsive desire, where I may not feel super into it at first but then once kissing starts I get into it and want it. But with him, it also goes up and down. Some days I feel like I love him and want to marry him, and other days I feel neutral or like I don’t want anything to do with him. Sometimes I get the ick from things like bad breath, facial hair, or just random things about men. Sometimes when he expresses love or wants me too much, I feel weird or uncomfortable and I don’t know why. Sometimes I feel like I have to remind myself that I love him or that he is my person, and then I feel more attracted again. I also worry sometimes that I am only with him because he is familiar, or because he is comfortable, or because I am scared of losing what we have. But at the same time, the relationship has had real feelings, real attachment, jealousy, comfort, sexual moments, and wanting him in my life. With women, the feelings are more confusing and sometimes stronger in my body and most of the time it causes panic. I notice women’s bodies more easily sometimes, especially boobs, butts, waists, or lesbian sex. Lesbian porn or fantasies can turn me on faster and stronger than thoughts about men, and sometimes the orgasms feel stronger too. Sometimes it feels like I can imagine what it would feel like with a girl, like grinding or being touched by a woman, and my body reacts really intensely. Like for example I was watching lesbian porn ribbing and was getting really aroused. But it was stressful because I don't want to be that but I felt like I was sorta enjoying it cause the arousal and orgasms were really strong. Like I wish I could feel that strong of arousal for men porn or fantasies. Idk if this is from fear or adrenaline. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I react that way, but the frustration itself can make the arousal even stronger, and then I keep going because it feels good even though it also scares or confuses me after. Like I want to be straight and I'm okay with being a little bit like with a preference for men. But being bi with a preference for women or lesbian scares me. Like I don't want to feel this but like arousal itself feels good. I also feel warm and emotionally close with female friends. Sometimes hugging them, being around them, or getting affection from them feels intense in my body of just excitement. Sometimes making a new female friend feels exciting, almost like a crush feeling when making a new friend but it's not a crush, even if I don’t know what it means. I can feel drawn to the way certain girls talk, act, look, or carry themselves but then that makes me scared because idk if that's admiration or attraction or maybe false attraction. Sometimes I feel like women feel more real or easier to connect to emotionally cause like my female friends. I also notice that I can feel more excited around girl friends than around my boyfriend only sometimes, but I don’t know if that is attraction, friendship, comparison, comfort, or just the way I am with girls. So overall, I have felt real things for men. I have had crushes, nerves, jealousy, flirting, wanting attention, kissing, and wanting certain guys to notice me. With my boyfriend, I have felt comfort, love, sexual arousal, orgasms, attachment, wanting a future, and also doubt, icks, and pulling away. With women, I have felt stronger physical arousal, curiosity, emotional closeness, warmth, and reactions that feel intense and hard to understand. It all feels complicated because the feelings are not only one thing. I have had attraction and connection with men, especially my boyfriend, and I have also had strong arousal and emotional intensity around women. I'm terrified I'm a comphet lesbian, late in life lesbian, bisexual with a prefrence for women, bisexual and will develop I prefrence for women, or will get fluidity and become a lesbian.