The madness within the dark night

As I reach for my coffee drink, slam, door, OCD, the schism, the madness. Perhaps everyone knows the true madness within. So what does a guy like me do? Acts like he takes more medication? Because what if they’re watching? What if they’re all in on it? What if, what if…another kokie frog just sings away? Not just any kokie, but the one hiding in the bushes. The one that triggers the, oh my, what if it’s something. What if, what if. As the cortisol begins, when does the tricking start, and the madness meet? How, far in the observe. “Did he grab a….”? “Is that a compulsion….?””A what?” I’m going to show up with my madness, and tell you about yours. Of course. Why not? For me, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do here. Write about my experience. Not a truth. Just another moment of what is. Oh The moments the moments. As the awareness thickens, within, the brightness blurs. OCD, you got me again. And where, and why, does it go to what a man like me thinks it’s character defects? Light, or lit? Gaslight myself once again and don’t you know the Tourette’s is building up again… maybe not - like a striking cobra it’s insidious mind threats strike again , with darkness, tabaoo and indescribable insecurity and adversity Healing in its own sorts, yet corrosive as can be - Do I stay, or go? Can a man speak in the light of love? Tourette’s striking in ways no man should experience. Yet it’s here, and I’ve got to be there. Dissociation. Split mind. Shattered soul. To the brink of forgiveness. Oh. As I’m speaking, writing, can’t tell if it says as or awes. Thanks again -Forgiveness will prevail over whatever hits the guilt, shame, distress. Less, less, the lessenings. Because I’m here to help. Show. Teach. Another split decision of maybe, just maybe. Got me again, OCD. For I’m a fool for even opening up about any of my madness. So death, do you want me or not? God, give me the serenity. To…… be and find humility within. So I must ask , please, please, please. For God is greater than myself. And intrusive questionings will end up bad. So God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can. And do I even deserve the wisdom? Because this is focus. This is focus. And finances are fucked. I suppose that’s the situation and depth of fear I get to go through. It’s alright that I listen to music. It’s alright that I show up. The question, in the auto, and the automatic, this is forming “hello madness Good to see you happy”Just breathe…..Just breathe…..I’m okay. Always have been. And what control do I really have with all of this? Maybe the monster needs releasing. Ad for what I want. Nothing from you, life. Nothing of the sorts. Grateful this is how it is. Maybe it really is just one day at a time. Why must I hurt others everywhere I go? Why must the character defects arrive? Why must OCD take the wheel and distract those around me? I gaslight myself once again. Sheesh….! Maybe the intimidation of actually being around those with love, with success, it gets to me. The fear of writing. The fear of just showing up. Observing myself time and time again. Judging how I write, how I speak, how I am. Remembering how I used to hold onto someone’s personality, how I’d think internally. Back to the lecture of myself at hand. I know this is my madness. And acceptance is key. I discovered that last night, like a child. It copies. I know you are, but what am I? Maybe this is balance. The stillness. The love within