Is this normal

I’ve been struggling so much lately because whenever things get hard, I start to panic. These intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend keep hitting me, and I’m terrified that I’m secretly gay. Today, I was doing so well. I felt steady and okay. But then, while I was scrolling, I saw a picture of a girl who was so pretty, and I immediately panicked. My brain went into those intrusive thoughts . Later I saw another post of a girl on top of a guy saying she liked the way he smelled. Instead of feeling happy, it made me feel so sad. I thought about him, but I didn't feel that 'lovey-dovey' spark today with him at school I did feel love and comfort but I don’t have that love surge . It made me feel like I don't love him anymore, and that scares me so much. Now, I’m stuck in this loop. I catch myself constantly replaying old memories of us just to 'check' if I really felt love back then. I feel so guilty, like I’m lying to him every time I say I love him. I keep thinking, 'What if I actually like her and not him?' Even saying that feels like a lie, but the fear is so loud that I feel like I have to figure it out right now or I'm a bad person. I'm just so sad because I'm panicking over these thoughts and I'm terrified of hurting his feelings. Someone please help

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

Hello! I’m fairly new to having OCD but it is ridiculous how similar a lot of people’s OCD is just different fears. Unfortunately OCD loves reassurance, so instead of trying to prove to your ocd those certain things, lean into the opposite. Maybe you like the same sex, maybe you don’t love him and you’re lying to him this whole time. Live with that fear, I’d deep dive this with your therapist because all fear is rooted into something deeper but this kind of stuff is what helped me.

Emmba

Date posted: 19h

@Anonymous Leaning into the opposite has never worked for me because it’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want to not love my boyfriend or be attracted to other people. How do you do erp if you don’t want what you need to “accept” ?

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

@Emmba OCD is typically a liar, my OCD told me if I leaned into certain things I would eventually commit s, I’m still here, of course I’m only a month and a half into treatment but my results in a small span are amazing. I learned you either feed it and make it worse, or you lean into it, accept you will never be able to give your brain that level of reassurance that it’s asking for. Trust me it gets worse before it gets better, the reassurance seeking calms you down but pushes the snowball down the mountain. But if you’ve tried erp and it doesn’t work for you I understand everyone’s different and this worked a good bit for me.

Emmba

Date posted: 19h

@Anonymous I want it to work but most of my fear is cheating on my fiance and that’s a really hard thing to be like “it’s okay you may have cheated and don’t remember” because if it did happen it’s not okay and would ruin my life. Ya know? I just don’t know how it make it work with that situation

Emmba

Date posted: 19h

@Anonymous I’m glad it’s been going good for you though! :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

@Emmba That’s the awful thing about OCD it takes what you value most, it’s also what makes us so strong, my suggestion is dive deep into what “ruin my life” means for you with a therapist or if you really can’t ChatGPT or something similar, the fear is rooted in something but usually regardless has to be faced. Another thing I’ve heard of but never tried is MCT, changing your relationship with your thoughts. To me that seemed more challenging but could work for you, has a good track record with ocd as well.

Rosick

Date posted: 18h

@Anonymous Can you explain MCT more?

Elena Alvarez

Date posted: 17h

@Emmba It’s not supposed to work in the sense that it makes you feel better, it’s supposed to be uncomfortable. You learn that discomfort is not dangerous, the more you expose yourself to it, the more your brain stops sending those threatening signals. The goal isn’t to make the thoughts go away, but the thoughts become so stupid and unimportant through ERP they almost make you laugh at it. You cannot stop the thoughts by disagreeing, but getting through them. ERP is not comfortable, but that’s why it works. Accept that it’s uncomfortable, accept the discomfort that you may not love your boyfriend - and as someone w ROCD that’s no longer a theme you’ll come out of the other side of it (and newsflash - ocd is a liar, and i’m certain you love your bf) The way out is through, you’ve got this!

Emmba

Date posted: 15h

@Elena Alvarez Thank you that makes sense. Maybe it was the way I was being told to go through ERP? Because my therapist (she got a new job:/) would say like imagine life where you did do xxx or a scenario where you xxx and with cheating that’s just impossible for me to do. It’s something completely against my morals … but maybe that’s the point? Idk but i appreciate your explanation and it was helpful

Emmba

Date posted: 15h

@Anonymous Thank you I have seen things similar to that related to God and letting God take care of and change the relationship that way. I’ll look into that more. Thank you!

Ocdsucks10

Date posted: 18h

I find the best thing that’s helped me in these moments instead of arguing with the thoughts or try to disprove them I’ll just say “it doesn’t matter”. You don’t want it, so it doesn’t matter. Without the noise, your own natural self would not seek out or want it. So it’s just not important.

Javi_B

Date posted: 18h

OCD demands certainty, but there's no such thing. Dont fall for its tricks. The thoughts really are just noise -it's your reaction to them that matters. If you actually hurt anyone in your life, they would tell you.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond