Today has been a shitty day. I got triggered this evening about the same intrusive thought and scenario I always worry about. Its scary because I try to think logically and realistically. But I really don't trust myself and am unsure if these things happened or not. It's very frightening and idk how much more I can take
Yeah, I get what you mean. Your OCD comes up with a "what if" that worries you, you reassure yourself with logical and realistic reasons on why this is not true but then it ends up attacking back with more "what ifs" and reasons why your reasons might not be true which makes you anxious. You then fight back and then the cycle repeats again and again and again. It gets even worse as the more you fight it and convince yourself "this is not true" or "this did not happen", these things your worry about start manifesting. The same way if you were to worry about having a blood clot in your leg, the more you notice tiny sensations that you would not notice otherwise. And then it leads to your brain hallucinating sensations and you spiral out of control. Its even worse for POCD as this causes groinal syndromes to happen and eventually even fake attraction that completely throws you off and makes you panic that your obsession might actually be true. Im sorry to say that there is no winning this fight. The OCD feeds off the arguing and constant reassurance seeking. The only thing you can do is to accept the uncertainty. I think its easy to mistake that with admitting/saying that it is true. We’re not saying its true! But we’re also not saying it isn’t. We dont know. Its to find comfort in that uncertainty, which is very difficult as we’ve been arguing against the thought for so long. Just the idea of accepting that this thing, which goes against all your values, might be true? Its absolutely terrifying. But it is the only way to actually get rid of the OCD and be better
I understand what you mean. It's very scary but I need to try what you said. Ultimately I want the OCD to get better. So I need to try something different. You explained it so well and I appreciate you understanding
@RebeccaAnn Im happy to help! Here’s one last thing that might also help: as you live life and begin to feel better and somewhat more normal, I think its easy for our ego to get the best of us and bring all these expectations of ourselves. "I am this", "Im not supposed to be this", etc. That often happens when you look at "normal" people. You dont know what’s going on in their head so its natural to think that they’ve got it all figured out. This often leads to you being hard on yourself because you should have this figured out too. But as Im sure you’re aware by now, OCD is not something you can figure out. It even gets worse as you try to do so! So, Its nice to remind ourselves that we’re all messed up human beings that have no clue what they’re doing. But we try to do the best we can. And if we cant even find it in us to be nice to someone who "doesn’t deserve it", then what the hell are we doing here
Your not alone ;(
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