OCD About “Something in the Past” I Can’t Figure Out (Memory / Rumination Loop)

Hi everyone, I’m posting to see if anyone relates to this because my OCD doesn’t seem to match the more common themes. My OCD started almost two years ago, but this specific issue began about a year and four months ago. At first, I had an obsession about needing to remember exactly what I did in a moment (for example: the exact order of movements like blinking, moving my arm, etc.). If I couldn’t remember perfectly, I would mentally go back and ruminate for a long time trying to reconstruct it. One time I ruminated so intensely trying to “figure it out” that I became extremely stressed and anxious and even got a headache. After that, the original obsession slowly stopped feeling important, but then my OCD latched onto a new fear: I became confused about how I stopped caring. It started to feel like there must be something I missed in between — like there was a thought, event, or realization in the past that I forgot. Since then, the obsession hasn’t been about a specific memory, but about a vague feeling that: “Something is back there that I didn’t resolve.” Now it’s less about thoughts and more about a feeling of dread or incompleteness. My brain treats the anxiety itself as proof that there’s something I need to figure out, even though I don’t actually know what I’m looking for. When triggered, my mind automatically links everything back to “the past” and the fact that I can’t go back and check makes me feel stuck or doomed. When I’m distracted or with friends, it has much less power, but when I notice the feeling again the loop restarts:urge to mentally review → try to get clarity → feel worse → still no certainty. I’ve realized this is mostly rumination and trying to solve something that doesn’t have a clear content anymore, but it still feels very real and convincing when it happens. Would really appreciate hearing if others have dealt with something similar.

al01

Date posted: 2d

This happens to me all the time with my OCD. I know what you mean when you say it doesn’t fit the profile of a common theme. It’s its own special kind of hell. 🙃

ihateocd1233

Date posted: 2d

Best way to describe it 😭. Glad to see that others can relate aswell.

izzyshaw17

Date posted: 2d

One of my OCD themes was trauma blocking: I'd try to remember things that happened in the past and if I couldn't remember them completely or had a hard time/foggy, OCD told me it was because I blocked it out because of trauma. This caused me to mentally review the past and try so hard to find the "trauma" that I could've experienced. It'd latch onto my family members as well. It's not fun, but it's something that we can't figure out. I recommend telling yourself that there's no amount of certainty that will make you feel at ease. Not caring is EXACTLY what OCD doesn't want you to do.

ihateocd1233

Date posted: 2d

Thank you for your response. I noticed you said “was” so is this a current theme or a previous one that you got over, it doesn’t really matter just curious. Also, did your present anxiety or anything in the present that could make you stressed/anxious etc link back to that unresolved uncertainty? like your brain relates any present anxiety/uncertainty to it? because thats mainly what keeps it alive. when im calm i just go “yeah maybe we’ll never figure this out its whatever” and be fine with moving on but dont let me see or hear something that makes me stressed or anxious because then suddenly “no nevermind it matters, the reason for this anxiety is in that uncertainty and if you never figure it out your doomed and will never feel okay” but yeah.

ihateocd1233

Date posted: 2d

sorry to add another thing but when you say trauma blocking do you mean your mind makes you think that or is it actual trauma that you have that you’re talking about.

izzyshaw17

Date posted: 2d

@ihateocd1233 My mind makes me think I have trauma. It's all OCD

izzyshaw17

Date posted: 2d

@ihateocd1233 Of course! Yes, it is a previous theme that I got over. It comes back once in a while, but it's not nearly as bad as before. My present anxiety influences my OCD for sure. It tries to convince me that I'm never going to be calm, lol.

ihateocd1233

Date posted: 2d

@izzyshaw17 - Oh okay thank you. Its my current theme and it feels everlasting so its nice to hear that you relate and have also got over it (hopefully im not using this as reassurance). This theme is rarely ever talked about and i genuinely thought it was just me. Sorry to be a bother but do you have any erp tips or anything else?

izzyshaw17

Date posted: 2d

@ihateocd1233 You're welcome 🤗. I hope you get over it too! I use: "I'll never be certain" and "Maybe, maybe not". I get really scared of being trapped in a rumination cycle and taken away from the present moment, so that fear fuels my fire to fight back. Don't push yourself too hard right away. It's never good to drain yourself using ERP. Just do what you can and you'll build your tolerance.

ihateocd1233

Date posted: 2d

Also just a note, yes i did use chat gpt to generate this summary 😭(if it wasnt obvious already), i genuinely don't know how to put this theme into words really so i put it as best i can and made chat gpt explain it better, ik alot of us hate chat gpt but i promise this is an accurate description /representation of my ocd.

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