Intrusive thoughts are so annoying.

I literally hate my mental health. I remember back before 2018, I was so analytical about everything, I was witty and had an impressive vocabulary. It's only after being manipulated and gaslighted into insanity I have inwardly changed for the worse. I don't know if it was meant for me to drawl closer to God and rely on his vindication, to remind me that the talents and gifts I had were a blessing from him and not of my own doing. I feel as if this Temu version of the Truman Show has not only taken my empathy, sanity but sometimes my faith in the goodness of mankind. Some of the intrusive thoughts that go through my brain are so repulsive that it has brought me to tears. Caused me to abuse alcohol and substances just for a moment of clarity. But somehow the powers that be manage to put me in the most detrimental environments for my mental, physical and spiritual health. I've begged for help from medical professionals, family or who I thought were family only to be gaslit further into despair. I literally feel as if it's me against the world. The first individual that orchestrated a huge facade in my life is literally behind bars for what he was putting me through. Now the new face is doing the exact same thing. It's as if Hitler was taken out of power and was replaced with Stalin. I feel as if that if I'm surrounded by lies, deceit and manipulation than that's what is going to control my mind. Someone now days can just mention a phrase around me that I know that isn't true and my mind will just take off with it. It's gotten so bad that if someone misplaced something, my mind will tell myself and "them" I've stolen it only for them to find the item moments later. My mind will call me a liar when I'm speaking the truth, it's as if the complete opposite of what I want to say will pop up in my head. It's only gotten worse and even individuals that I consider a friend my mind will say hateful or hurtful things or just flat out disgusting things. An I know for a fact my mind is a open book, so then I believe that people believe these horrific things are true about me. Then the compulsions begin, where I'm fighting the lies and a lot of the time, they win. I just want my children back. I want my assets, I want to help people. I'm so tired of being a spectacle. Can I ever trust someone again? Will I ever be happy and I mean truly happy again?