Past affecting relationship

The way my boyfriend and I got together was complicated because of me. Instead of being adult I said mean things about him to people because I was ignoring my feelings for him and being completely childish. On my private Instagram story, with about 10ish people on it, most of whom I didn't even speak to anymore, I used to post tiktoks on there about not dating the older guy and things like that (which basically implied o dodged a bullet) Ages later we got together and I told him about the fact I'd said some mean things and it was childish and stopped me from pursuing my feelings because it felt not genuine and deceitful to pursue someone after being mean about them. He said that we can forget about it and move on. Draw a line under it and basically just move on from where we are. We have a great relationship now and he's the best person I ever could have met. However I haven't told him about the Instagram things and I feel like I'm really lying to him. We've been together over a year now and I think he is going to propose soon. I don't want to ruin everything and I don't want to be a fraud

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

While I’m not a professional in this field, I do have a degree in interpersonal relationships and work as a counselor. The advice I’ll offer is that it’s okay to feel bad about what you said and to regret it, because you no longer believe those things to be true. It would only be deceitful if you still mean what you said or genuinely believed what you were saying about him, and were keeping that from him. He said he wants to just move on from whatever happened back then, and it seems you and him have started something new, so just enjoy it for what it is! You’ve told him the basics, and he accepted that and wants to move on. Try and not let the past affect this new future as best you can, but I’m sure if you really needed to get it off your chest and you communicate that, he’d be happy to hear you out and maybe get a laugh out of it. It seems like it wasn’t anything too serious, just TikToks and some childish stuff, so it shouldn’t be too hard to hear. Good luck and be kind to yourself :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

It just feels like there's no good choice to make here. Either I tell him and he breaks up with me because he realises I'm horrible or I don't tell him and it's a relationship based off of lies

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous I believe you may be possibly projecting how you feel about it towards what you think he will say or feel about it. Doing something mean/childish after a breakup isn’t that uncommon, and as long as it’s not something you still say and by it’s really not that horrible! I wouldn’t be so positive that bringing it up would guarantee he would break up with you, as you don’t KNOW that. I also wouldn’t say that because you didn’t say EXACTLY how you were mean that the relationship is built off lies, it’s very much a hyper fixated view on things atm. I’d recommend talking to a professional or counselor about it to see if they can help you get some insight and tips on how to approach the conversation.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

You aren’t a fraud—you’re a person who grew up. I hear how much weight this is putting on your heart, especially with a proposal on the horizon. From a professional perspective, I want to offer you a little bit of "grounding" to help you see this clearly: 1. You have already been honest. You told him you were mean and childish. He heard that, processed it, and made the conscious choice to "draw a line under it." When a partner gives you grace, the most respectful thing you can do is accept it. By continuing to punish yourself, you are essentially telling him his forgiveness wasn't good enough or that he didn't understand what he was forgiving. Trust his judgment. 2. Confession vs. "Confession Seeking" In a healthy relationship, we share things to build intimacy. However, because you are posting this on a site focused on OCD/Scrupulosity, ask yourself: Am I telling him this to help him, or just to stop my own brain from hurting? If telling him the specific details of a year-old Instagram story will only make him feel insecure or hurt his feelings, then keeping it to yourself isn't "lying"—it’s protecting his peace. 3. Growth is not a "fraud." You are not the person who posted those TikToks anymore. That girl was scared and defensive; the woman you are today is loving and loyal. You aren't "tricking" him into proposing to a fake person—he is proposing to the woman you became after you grew out of those behaviors. The Recommended "Move": If the guilt is truly a barrier to your happiness, don't make it a "big heavy confession." Instead, make it a moment of vulnerability. Say this: "I know we drew a line under my past behavior, but because I love you so much and we’re looking at our future, I had a moment of feeling silly about how childish I really was—like posting dumb 'dodged a bullet' memes on my private story back then just to hide my crush on you. I feel like a different person now, and I’m so glad you stayed long enough for me to grow up." Once you say that, let it die. Don't ask for reassurance. Don't bring it up again. Focus on being the partner he deserves today, because that is the person he is choosing to marry.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond