it's a bit long.

So my story begins way back when I was really young and was still in middle school. This is as far as I can go, I can't remember having any compulsions before (though there could've been). It was basically me riding with my family normally, and then my brain snapped and was like: "What if your father crashed?" Now notice that my father is really cautious when it comes to driving. It's now 2026 and he's been driving for decades and have had multiple cars and only crashed ones (he fainted due to misuse of antibiotics that). And at that time I knew that we wouldn't crash, and even if we did, it wouldn't hurt us in the slightest way. But some inner voice insisted and as ridiculous as that may look like, it made sense to the young me, so I followed its orders. And for a while, every time I got into the car, i would get in between the front seats and crouch, waiting for the crash in absolute fear... Eventually, that fear somewhat faded on its own. where it brings us to another phase, where i knew something was off about me; which was order and symmetry. i needed to fix the pillow, couch, bed, etc... a tiring amount of time before finally sitting and enjoying my cartoons/movies. i noticed that but still blamed it on my personality. hygiene was also a thing where i had contamination fears that had me washing before holding my phones all the time (and obviously not letting others touch, let alone hold it). still not bothering me alot. we move on to covid-19 era, where it sparkled. now i wash my hands for a noticeable long perios, a time where i didn't know I'll miss the color of my hands' skin. i stayed like this for a while, and it wasn't actually that bad, i mean a little wash here and there doesn't take that much time does it? until i got to highschool. Now i started changing my clothes depending on where im going (basically i didn't use pajamas but rather stayed with same clothes until the next shower). And to be honest i dont think that's an ocd thing because feel like its actually disgusting, i don't know how i was doing that, though it's worth mentioning that this realization came to me later in life. soon enough i was in my last year of highschool, i started obsessing with my hair (this is by far my worst obsession), where I'd simply think it's contained just because i was outside, first i ignored it, then started wiping it with little water and tissue, then spraying perfume, and then straight up washing it. and i still remember the first wash, i was in the shower thinking to myself: "man, why am i doing this?" i stayed like this for a while, having to wash my hair ever single night because i feel its filthy and if i don't, say i was tired, I'd sleep at the guest room. once i graduated high school i was so sad because my dream was always to leave my country ever since i was kid, I'd watch only foreign programs/channels, and was really influenced by it. and always dreamed of spending even one day out. and after realizing that I'll be spending my youth studying in a local university, it just shattered me. i tried coping and convincing myself that 4 years aren't much, and force myslef into having friends (eventhough they'd never understand me), however none of that worked. i slowly became just a thing that tries to do the tasks that its been asked to do and wait for time to pass, i struggled with thoughts about and morality, but i think that's just me (i guess?). slowly but surely came april 2025 where my phone stopped working (i washed it... ocd...). i didn't want someone to touch, so i never took it to a phon store until depression fucking killed me and got tired of using my iphone. and boom the screen was burned because of the water. my country is libya which is an islamic, homophobic, arabian extremist. which is not much of a great place for a not straight nor muslim guy like me. then came probably the worst day ever. 14 of july 2025, where there was 5 space geodesy homeworks and a whole long ass survey project, and an exam due to the day after. obvious, barely wrote any homework, barely the project was ass. did a really good job by picking a soul sucking major despite what im going through. big shout out to my young slef. the lack of sleep because of the previous exams, the depression, and the "just wait for it" kind of life style all broke at once that night. for the first time ever i experienced such a feeling. my heart was racing sooo fast i could barely stand on my feet, i obviously had to let go of my study, and try to sleep. but it was too late. i kept fighting this urge and try to ignore, but nothing worked. eventually i got up to the bath and forced my self to throw up thinking it could ease the pain in my stomach/chest. nothing came out of my mouth yet the noise i was making was so loud that i woke up my mom. she woke my father and they took me to the hospital, and was given IV, none of it worked. the pain was in my mind pretty much. i remember even being disgusted even to lay back on the hospital beds. same thing almost happened the very next exam, but i fought it. that week, was all a bunch of sleepless nights to me, which kept worsening it even more. since that day it flared up and fucking swallowed me. i was anxious the whole time and looking at my surroundings endlessly. and now i treat my hair like my god, washing so frequently and thoroughly. one time i washed for 2 literally hours... that day i knew i had lost my mind and that i need help. so i did go look for a clinic, but the thing is.. i live in libya.. mental health basically doesn't exist. if i ever said this shit to anybody, they'd probably think im possessed (no joke. one time a whole neighborhood caught on fire, and a dude working in there said it was due to a faulty electrical wiring and overloaded circuits. would the government admit that? noooo it was a sorcerer, and you must believe it otherwise you're blasphemous and you better prepare your neck). i tried ERP on my own bya trying to go outside without washin but that only made pay more attention to my surroundings and not get my hair dirty. watch out from that, don't go from here, wear your hoodie, don't scratch your head and so on. until one day i could even pass by our bath!!!! yes "PASS" as in from the outside. cuz now just looking at somthing will have me imagining myslef touching it, therfore triggered. and had to actually record myslef every time i pass from it. and the recording was helpful in the beginning but now i just record myself everywhere like an idiot. i dont know if ill ever recover and i genuinely don't see a way out of this.k cant even go outside or function normally i no longer recognize myself. like literally, i don't remember what i was doing in life, what's my favorite game, food, color, or anything i cried yesterday over the fact that I'm looking at old photos and notes of me trying to remember how i looked like from the inside. i felt like sharing this just so that people reading this could do something quick about it rather than letting it take over your life. yes im just like you, i saw people with severe ocd and didn't see myslef reaching such a point, yet here i am beyond that point seeing the rest of me being infused into it. sorry if there's mistakes, English isn't my first language.