I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need help!

Hi! I’m new here and I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, and I don’t even know if I have OCD for sure because it hasn’t been officially diagnosed but that’s also because I’ve never told anyone besides a therapist one time. I’ve never shared my intrusive thoughts with anyone and no one can see them or know them unless I tell that person because they’re in my mind. But the intrusive thoughts get so so bad that I don’t even know if they’re intrusive, like they take up absolutely everything and are always there to the point where I can’t think straight at all and it’s so extremely horrible and I can’t tell my true thoughts from my intrusive thoughts and it’s terrifying to me. It’ll always go against what and who I love the most like God because from what I’ve looked up I probably have scrupulosity ocd, but also against my family and pets too and just intentions and motives and quite literally everything. But I don’t want those thoughts to be true about me at all, but then I feel emotionally numb and burnt out so I can’t discern what my “true” and “genuine” feelings and intentions, beliefs are, etc. It’s so difficult for me to get my personal thoughts together and communicate and that I can’t stop thinking no matter how hard I try, I’ve tried that and it always comes back and it feels careless to ignore the thoughts and not only that but I have this physical dread and sadness or detached feeling or I don’t know what it is and I can’t get rid of it. Another thing I’ve felt, which is very hard for me to describe too, ever since I was a little kid was this feeling of longing for something but also feeling small and inferior (in some way?) but also just wanting to be safe and protected somehow and now that I’m older it makes me want to be a little kid and it’s weird to talk about but it’s like this emotional regression of some kind where all I want is to be safe and hugged as cheesy as it is to admit to others, and I’m so sensitive to everything and cry over everything to where I feel numb and then can’t get my emotions out anymore and no one knows how much I’ve regressed emotionally and deep down I really just wanting everything to be ok and for nothing or no one to hurt ever again and for nothing or no one to die ever again, and again it’s very hard for me to describe and I just feel weird and helpless and I know my longing is for God/Jesus and then my intrusive thoughts tell me that it’ll never be ok and then I don’t know what’s wrong with me and the intrusive thoughts are genuinely disgusting and it’s like it’s become a part of myself and then I hate myself so much. I can’t fight against the thoughts because I have nothing to replace them with and when I went to therapy she told me to focus on reality and my senses and what’s around me and how what I’m doing proves the thoughts aren’t true but then I’m scared I’m just going through the motions somehow if that makes sense and that I’m lying/faking/pretending and that it’s somehow a heart issue of myself and that I have a hard heart and not a mental issue and that scares me so much because I don’t want that to be true about me. And again I just feel stuck inside myself, like I’m stuck in my body and soul and can’t get out and that I’m limited to something and stuck in it and that there’s just something fundamentally wrong with me that will never go away and that I’m doing this to myself but if I’m doing it to myself and can’t escape myself and soul then I’m so confused and scared and lost. It most of the time comes back down to: I don’t know what’s wrong with me as in like is it ocd(?) am I just overly sensitive and lazy(?) and it sounds weird to mention but I’ve been told that before and as a little kid, but I don’t know if it’s something like neurodivergence (which I know ocd is as well although a little different) such as autism since I was tested for that as a little kid but they said I didn’t have that at least then when I was only a few years old, and it’s just difficult to comprehend anything or think straight or understand anything and so I shut down on myself and get so mad and frustrated with myself and like I deserve every way of hurting myself whether physically or emotionally even though deep down, like I said, I just want to be safe forever and with God/Jesus and for nothing to hurt ever again and be safe forever even though right now it’s difficult I don’t want anything bad and brokenness and sadness and death or any of that to ever have to final say and I’m so weak and stuck in myself and it’s terrifying to think about like stuck in my perception of consciousness and then I dissociate really badly and sometimes things feel blurry around me, not always physically but sometimes a little and like I’m dreaming and like time has already passed and I’m dead and just watching my surroundings like a glass wall or some kind of barrier around me and that I’m stuck in myself and all I want is to get out and be safe and I know all I need is God/Jesus but then I get these intrusive thoughts that like it’s my choice if I want to believe and stuff and given free will but then all I want, so so incredibly badly beyond any words I can ever describe, is to be secure in that choice eternally and genuinely chosen and safe in Him forever and that it’s not dependent on myself because I don’t trust myself and to just be secure in Him forever and ever no matter what and just to know I don’t have to be scared or cry and that it’s going to be ok forever and ever. So sorry for rambling so much, I was trying to explain how I felt but I can’t get my thoughts together and put them into words or even describe what that feeling/thing is. I hate myself and I just need God/Jesus and the idea of being seperated from Him and things not being ok and with Him forever just makes me want to kms and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I need Him! I’m so scared and terrified and what He thinks of me too and I know people say as long as you believe Jesus is Lord Who died for us and rose from the dead you’re His, and I’m terrified I don’t believe that somehow because I know that’s all that matters is God/Jesus!! Why am I so disgusting?? I hate myself and don’t know why He made me. I don’t want to be this way I’d do anything to be someone else and to be His and chosen by Him. But then I’m terrified I don’t have the gift of faith! No one knows what’s wrong with me, I’m so disgusting and I always push people away because I think I’m some horrible person deep down who is violent somehow and evil and horrible intentions and thoughts and since I’ll be eternally separated from God/Jesus anyway I’m not worth anyone’s time or help because it won’t matter when I die and eternally anyway. But I need Him!! I just need to be with Him now and forever for all of eternity forever and ever!!! I’m so terrified!!!