Feels so real

I’ve reduced compulsions and the anxiety has reduced but it hasn’t reduced the realness of the thoughts, they still feel like fact and fill me with fear. My biggest fear is I’ll stop compulsions and it will still feel real and then I’ll have my answer and have to face the “truth”. When I reduce compulsions (although still doing some), and it still feels real after a few days, I then think “why isn’t it going away, I’ve reduced compulsions, ocd can’t exist without compulsions, if I stop compulsions and it stays then it means it’s real and I can’t use ocd as an excuse anymore to avoid the “truth”, I better increase compulsions again, as they protect me from the “truth” etc etc……I mean how can I even think this stuff, sounds like blatant denial!

anabanana1

Date posted: 3d

I understand where you are coming from completely. At the height of my pure O irreality themed ocd (which may be a bit different from yours, I am aware of that) my thoughts felt so overwhelmingly real that I unfortunately at one point did consider the possibility that the might be and that I was truly stuck. But there is hope!! Getting on an antipsychotic (aka finding a medication that actually broke the loop) and creating a toolkit for myself has helped me so much in putting a distance between me and my thoughts. I recognize that a thought “feeling real” is my brain assigning “chemical significance” to junk mail that in an otherwise healthy brain, would be treated as just that, junk mail. Because that’s what intrusive thoughts and compulsions are; junk. You are making progress and from the outside looking in, as someone that is taking major steps towards their recovery, I can see you doing the same.

BubblinBlue

Date posted: 3d

@anabanana1 Your story is inspiring, I wish you so much positivity on your recovery journey 🙏. What scares me the most and has for a while, and I don’t hear about it ever, which makes me feel like the exception, is “I wish” thoughts. I get thoughts like “I wish it wasn’t true, why does it have to be true, it’s so unfair”. I don’t know if they are in response to it feeling real or in response to it being real, but they are so hard to disregard, and they keep coming automatically. I know when they first came my brain reacted with a lot of fear and maybe that reaction caused them to stick and my brain then keeps sending them as it knows it gets a reaction. I hope with all my heart it’s not a result of it actually being real, as those types of thoughts sound like blatant denial, and it’s hard not to buy into it when I don’t hear of others with “I wish” thoughts. I do get “what if” and more typical ocd thoughts, but also I get thoughts that literally start with anything jn any form and I worry they are my “natural” thoughts. Sorry to ramble on, I don’t know if I have made any sense. I’m pleased you are doing better. Keep going 💪

anabanana1

Date posted: 3d

@BubblinBlue It sounds like you’re dealing with OCD with poor insight. I am not an expert here this is just an assessment based on what you wrote and from my own experiences, but when you start to have intrusive thoughts regarding your intrusive thoughts “potentially being real” and “wishing they weren’t” it’s a sign of low insight. You’re not in danger don’t worry; your brain is just overwhelmed. And and again from the outside, looking in as a person that is now medicated and was able to get a better grasp on reality: I can assure you whatever this stress intrusive thought you have already had or is yet to have is completely untrue. The “I wish” thoughts are very much part of OCD. A quick Google search (and I was using Google a lot to look up my symptoms to help. Keep me grounded and to help me understand that this was all OCD, not reality) I’ll tell you that indeed this is all part of the disease. OCD is a doubting disease. You doubt if the thoughts are untrue, logically they are in true, but the chemical significance your brain assigns to them. That doesn’t mean they are significant. The tool kit I made includes questions like: “what’s my proof that this thought is real?” Or “what’s my proof that this thought isn’t real?” “Does this thought help me become a better member of society?” “Does this thought make me feel unsafe in the world I live in?” “If a friend of mine told me about this thought, what would I say to them?” it helps you to externalize it and put it on paper and really look at it from a different perspective. It’s a CBT method of sorts. If you have any questions just ask me. I am not a professional but gaining insight manually (looking all these things up) was what kept me sane until I was able to get the medication I needed.

pureolife

Date posted: 3d

Not sure if you were told this but my therapist was very clear when we first started treatment: it will get worse before it gets better. When you first reduce/eliminate compulsions, it’s like you’ve cut off the oxygen ocd needs to breath. But ocd is not going to go quietly. It’s going to fight. Hard. If you won’t listen to what it wants any more (ie endless compulsions) it will up the stakes. It will send worse, harsher, more real intrusions. It’s trying to get you to turn the oxygen back on. Don’t. Call its bluff. Keep resisting. When you learn to live without compulsions, your brain learns that these intrusive thoughts no longer have a hold on you, and then they eventually slow down. But it’s a process. Keep going. Don’t give up.

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