ROCD really struggling right now

I unfortunately had to stop doing ERP after the 1st of the year because my deductible restarted, and I can no longer afford sessions at this time. I’m on a medication now that is really helping with the residual anxiety and depression caused by OCD, ERP was really helping, but my ROCD has been slowly creeping back and very negatively affecting my day to day life. I’ve hit an age in life and a point in my long term relationship of 3 1/2 years where thinking about whether or not the person I’m with is right for me, is an almost constant 24/7 worry. It makes it hard to connect with him, focus on him when he speaks, have intimacy and do activities together. And this brings so much guilt that nauseates me and makes it hard to eat and sleep. I also have had dreams every single night recently where I’m with someone else and it drives me INSANE. Because I don’t want anyone else. He’s an amazing partner, and ROCD attacked me out of nowhere one day a few months ago, and has been a constant struggle. I live with this person, we share so much of our life together, but my fears constantly make me want to impulsively end it because I’m so scared that I’m making the wrong decision by being in a relationship (even though he is so healthy for me. I really am the problem here) and I just can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. Any advice???? Again- I’m not able to afford therapy right now, but I can’t keep living this way.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

Hey Jossyy I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Im curious if before stopping treatment if you had hierarchies that you could go back to and start daily practice? Even though you might not have access to all of the support that you previously had maybe doing some self directed exposures could be beneficial. There is also support groups that meet up virtually maybe you can find one. Overall I implore you to keep going one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself I know these thoughts cause a lot of guilt but the fact that you can acknowledge what you feel is a huge milestone. I would check out the NOCD YouTube page as they provide insights that have helped me feel seen and less alone. The whole goal of erp is to empower us and give us the tools to manage distress. I believe in you! You are not alone!

j vv

Date posted: 2d

Hi jossyy 👋 fellow ROCD sufferer here. I know from experience that ROCD can easily become the sole focus of your life…the dread feels awful 😱 When I feel ROCD, I feel gripped by an *urgent* desire for a quick solution. The reality is that relationships have ebbs and flows that sometimes stretch for a very long time…and there are no quick fixes. I had to work very hard last year on Acceptance and Gratitude to stay in the present moment. With therapy and community support here I came to accept and be grateful that this uncertainty is a part of life—and is actually what makes relationships interesting and fun! It isn’t something to “solve” *now*, but something to *experience*. I also worked in therapy on living according to my values and building confidence that I can find solutions if problems arise. For me, it helped cut out the emotional noise and dread that OCD kept filling my days. Even if life is uncertain, I can be confident that I can handle whatever it throws my way. ———- Here are some examples of that cognitive work: • I love my partner and do not plan on leaving them this month. So this month, I will not engage with these worries. (Values aligning with actions) • I will choose to be grateful for my life today. There are wonderful things happening around me, and so much more to life than one relationship. I will choose to find joy today despite a bit of uncertainty about my relationship. (Cognitive reframing) • I have confidence that when something comes up in my relationship, I will be able to solve it. I am resilient and resourceful. I can survive staying or leaving in this relationship, and life will go on regardless. (Building self-confidence/growth mindset) • If I need to leave this relationship in the future , that will become clear on its own with no help from me. I am confident that I will see the clear signs to leave over time. I am confident that I could leave this relationship with the least harm possible to myself and my partner. (Confidence building, letting go of a need to control future outcomes) ————— A lot of these ideas are about being generous, optimistic, and hopeful with myself. I’m expecting my best and betting on my resilience to handle anything! These thoughts are focused on growth and steady values-based living in the here and now. Regardless of emotional storms or problems that arise, I can stick to what I value and live my life the way I would like *today* — even if my feelings or circumstances don’t always line up in the moment. For practicing and developing acceptance, I recommend reading *Radical Acceptance* by Tara Brach. If it helps, ROCD has been one of my most difficult themes BY FAR to work on. Relationships are a constant for humans, so the triggers are constant too. Hang in there, keep working at it! 🫂

jossyy

Date posted: 2d

@j vv This is so incredibly helpful- I’m so happy you came across my post and took the time to respond !!! I’ve been very exhausted and overwhelmed from work as well as my full time job living with OCD, it’s been hard to even know where to start. I needed this guided push so badly!!!

j vv

Date posted: 2d

@jossyy Losing access to therapy must be so difficult. Do your best to keep up a healthy regimen to combat your OCD. For me, that often looks like setting aside time to read, or take pauses throughout the day to be grateful for something small, or do a small ERP if I feel a sudden spike in OCD symptoms. Small, simple maintenance like this really adds up for positive change over a few days and weeks ☀️

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