Recent false memory

Hi there, first time poster here. I struggle a lot with false memory/real event from the past. Both have ties to fear of being arrested and sent to prison. Given how long it was ago, I've somewhat accepted the uncertainty of not knowing because old memories are fallible. However, something happened last week which triggered my OCD and I'm experiencing the same things. I feel so scared and frustrated that I can't even trust my recent reality. I tried framing it as "if you've really done what you've feared, then you'd be certain that it happened because it was recent and you'd be worrying about the consequences of it, rather than worrying about whether you've done it or not"' but the false/intrusive memory won't let me even have it. I know I'm supposed to sit with it but today just feels really hard to do it. I'm so drained and depressed that it's ruining my ability to look forward to things. I posted here to vent because I feel alone about this but I hope anyone experiencing this gets the light they need.

mileskubicki

Date posted: 21h

My main OCD theme is also getting arrested. My main compulsion is ruminating about if things I’ve done are secretly illegal and googling laws to see if things I’ve done are illegal and I didn’t know I was breaking the law. It is so so hard to sit with the uncertainty because to me, getting arrested is worse than dying. I have found that my best days come when I ACTUALLY sit with uncertainty-a lot of times I catch myself saying “yes, it could happen but it’s unlikely” which is still reassuring myself. The more I can cut it off at “sure it could happen” or perhaps instead of saying “it’s unlikely” you say “it’s absurd” or “it’s not worth worrying about” those lead to better days for me. best of luck in your journey. 🙂

jantron

Date posted: 19h

My compulsion also involved reading up sentencing guidelines online to "prepare" myself how long I'll be in prison in case it happens so I completely empathise. For me, it was simpler to resist doing as it physically involved going on the internet. Right now, the lightning speed compulsion of memory checking is the hardest habit for me to unlearn because before I could stop the thought, it's already happened and the spiral commences. Tomorrow is another day and I'll try better with it then. Good luck on your journey too and hope we're able to get past this.

kbbh

Date posted: 21h

I completely understand. I’m trying my best to do the same thing. It’s hard to look forward to things when you’re scared something will happen that will prevent you from experiencing them. I’m struggling particularly harder today as well. The thing I’m so scared about happened well over a year ago and I’m still frightened. It also doesn’t help that my job is with the legal system. I hope you get relief. As much as I need to take my own advice, please know you are not your thoughts. Xx

jantron

Date posted: 19h

Thanks for the message and reminding me. I had a similar traumatic event happened a year ago too. Being in a fight or flight mode for a year is absolutely horrible so I completely understand. I hope you find your peace too.

OCDisHell

Date posted: 18h

This is my main theme as well. I catastrophize, worst case scenario, prison, everyone will hate me, ill be ostracized by society, etc... when I get bad flare ups I Google and ruminate to get relief but i know this makes things worse. When youre in the worse of it, it just feels like a whirlwind. I hope you find peace. God bless.

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