Why I’m in a love hate relationship with OCD

Just two months ago, I had been in a relationship where I thought she was my forever. I still sit here hoping she is, but I can’t assign it certainty. My OCD is a big part of us not being together anymore. Confessions tore her down as I was seeking reassurance. So why do I love the OCD? I am on a journey to be my purest self. If I didn’t truly care about the things and people around me, I probably wouldn’t have a lick of OCD. Having this diagnosis confirms that I do truly care about the world around me. I hate it because it pushed me away from a beautiful woman who I yearn for to this day. Maybe the right woman will know how to understand my OCD, maybe the perfect woman doesn’t have to understand it. Who knows? What I do know is that I’m not alone. To the ones reading this, we aren’t alone. You have the privilege to be able to read, write, perceive, we are living. We are alive and I hope we can say that for plenty of decades. I hope to find what’s meant for me. Until then, we’re on an unknown path that we must be comfortable in exploring.

ezrider

Date posted: 4d

This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d

You don’t love the OCD. You said “ having my diagnosis confirms” meaning you’re still seeking the illusion of certainty and you’re using your ocd as a compulsion. You’re essentially suggesting that to care about things means you must be OCD. In reality, ocd makes you care about things in a selfish way. You even admit you’re driving away a loved one because your seeking reassurance hurts them. I am recovered from OCD, I still care about everything and everyone, and I don’t allow my OCD to dictate how I do that. My purest self is who I am when my OCD is silenced and I accept that certainty doesn’t exist. To say you love ocd is to love the captor who holds you prisoner because after spending so long in their possession you simply learn a new safety. It’s Stockholm syndrome for you’re ocd. If you really want to be your purest self you will a way to break the bonds and live as you decide, not the way you’re disorder does.

Sdnrckwd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d

I disagree. I think there's a certain beauty in accepting that OCD is a part of you and that it ultimately comes from a desire to help or not do harm. I can see where you're coming from, and maybe they are seeking reassurance by thinking that OCD means they care, but that doesn't negate their feelings on the matter. One of the hardest parts for me with overcoming OCD was acceptance, so if they've found that in a small way, good for them.

rbishealing

Date posted: 4d

@TexasOCD41 I completely understand where you are coming from. Maybe you’re right. I use the term love loosely, but I can see that it gives me the certainty I look for. I’m going I too can silence it and escape from captivity. Until then I’m growing and learning.

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d

@Sdnrckwd Ocd comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain and irregular blood flow to the cerebellum where the reptile brain is that’s keep you in fight or flight. I accept I have ocd, I also accept I’m a 10 year recovered alcoholic, I don’t find beauty in those things, only beauty I find is that iv defeated them.

Sdnrckwd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

@TexasOCD41 It is your perogative to not find beauty in it, and it's great that you find acceptance without that. But, I see it differently and there's nothing wrong with that. We're all just trying to deal with the hand we've been dealt in the best way we know how. Where did you hear that OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and irregular blood flow to the cerebellum? Everything I've heard and read says that the cause of OCD is uncertain.

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

@Sdnrckwd In addition to my NOCD therapist who explained it to me, it was also in medical journal that showed that brain scans of people experiencing ocd symptoms showed disproportionate blood volume in the area of the brain responsible for fight or flight and a lack of blood flow to the area responsible for logical reasoning and thinking. When the patients had symptom improvements from CBT, meds or a combination of both, the scans showed the opposite. Fight or flight area had less blood flow that reason and logical thinking. As to medication, yes it’s not widely understood exactly why it help but since SSRIS addresses chemical imbalances and the majority of patients who start them experience relief, its deductive reasoning that the symptoms were associated to chemical imbalances. No there’s nothing wrong with finding Beauty in it. I just think it’s important to not accept it to the point of allowing it to have power over you. Simple as that.

Sdnrckwd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d

Thank you for sharing! I really needed this tonight. I was feeling very alone with my OCD, and you lightened my load a little.

rbishealing

Date posted: 4d

@Sdnrckwd I’m happy I can provide any sense of good to someone’s day!

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