20+ only

Thank you. Exposure work is hard but more than worth it. I can't even start mine because I'm just too distressed to really get anything done in my life. Or at least, the big things I want to get done.

@BigGyro09 I totally understand how you feel. It feels like OCD has really put my life on pause. If I ever do have a calm moment, the last thing I want to do is exposure. Same goes for all those moments filled with anxiety. I started therapy almost two months ago and it isn't until last week that I felt like I could actually try. What I'm trying to say is: don't be too hard on yourself. This is not an easy thing to do, and the fact that you even consider going through with exposure is something to be proud of.

@Van Goes Vroom Thanks. I can't help but be hard on myself for not just OCD but other things that are really bothering me in my life. It's hard. But I do want to get better. It's just really really hard to make this conversation happen

@BigGyro09 Understandable. I don't know your situation, but I really do hope things start to look up for you, and I appreciate you posting on here even if it was just to vent a little. Again, you're not alone; things will look up!

@Van Goes Vroom I could share but are you an adult? I wouldn't want to share it with minors

@BigGyro09 You can totally share if you want to. I'm 21, so you don't have to worry. Are you comfortable sharing here? I don't know if this app has a way of private messaging.

@Van Goes Vroom Oh, okay. And yeah I've shared it before on here several times. Dozens actually. I think it helps to tell people that can relate rather than boil it up inside. Basically when I was a kid I was exposed to pornography. I remember looking up a site and I remember the word sex being portrayed as something bad in my youth. It was never something that was talked about growing up, not even in school all that much. During high school I became really dependant on it and I saw a lot of messed up things. I didn't realize just how bad those things were but looking back they bother me a lot. Worse, I'm still watching pretty extreme things that include real life celebrities and I've found myself escalating to things I find disturbing or unfair drop down but I still watch it and I feel lots of shame and torment from it. It's easy not to watch porn when I'm doing okay but when I have a bad relapse on anxiety it becomes too much to cope, so I go back to porn, and what I described today is what I did today. I also feel terrible for watching ai content. I just feel disgusted because of my compulsive use of this and I don't want to use it any more. And no this app doesn't have a way of private messaging.

@Van Goes Vroom What's also really awful is that I see a lot of disturbing content that I don't want to see or very unethical, very bad content that I wish I never see ever. I just have a lot of bad memories with this and to this day I still can't seem to get rid of it completely. It makes me feel really weak, disturbed, shameful, and gross. I jus can't shake it

@BigGyro09 You're not weak. OCD has a way of making you feel powerless, but you're not. I wish I could say those feelings of shame will magically disappear, but they feel like they stick to you like glue in the beginning. It's awful, I know. You yourself; however, are not shameful. I'm sorry you come across a lot of content that makes you uncomfortable. What really helps me is that river analogy. You can't stop the thoughts and feelings that come from seeing that content, but you can decide not to engage with them. Take a step back and watch them. Watch them float by. Again, so much easier said than done, but that's the skill exposure strives for. I'll have to step back from this convo for a bit to get ready for bed, but if you would like to keep talking, I'll be checking back in a few hours. ❤️

@Van Goes Vroom Thank you. It's still hard to not see that but I think that's just what OCD and anxiety wants me to be stuck on. I've noticed that if I'm not fixated on those thoughts or feelings it feels like a bad thing to do and that I'm going against OCD, but that's exactly what I should be doing. And it does stick like glue. So much so that everytime I close my eyes I can see the things I've seen. This phenomenon also pops up in my sleep so I just jolt back awake and can't sleep. Have a good sleep! Sure, I would like to keep chatting if it's ok with you.

@BigGyro09 Yeah, that's something that keeps me going, knowing that the intense anxiety from resisting is a good thing. Like when you put lip bomb on really chapped lips and it burns. Just last week, I had a little victory. Resisted something to the point where I was physically shaking, crying, and felt like my knees were about to buckle. The anxiety and all the thoughts eventually flowed away. I was okay. I can't always bring myself to resist completely, I usually give in eventually, but even just delaying the compulsive response is a step forward. I don't want to overstep, but in case you haven't already, I highly suggest seeking help. ❤️ Therapy isn't a magic wand that'll instantly fix everything, but having someone who understands OCD by your side is a huge game changer.

@Van Goes Vroom Congrats on resisting this compulsions! That's something I really want to practice and I'm still contemplating medication. I do want it but I'm just scared to open up about it. I've been in therapy for two years and my psychiatrists decided that SSRI medication would be good for me. Most of my family doesn't really understand OCD. I've told my mom about it and while she doesn't get it completely (not that I expect her to), she was supportive of therapy. She knows I go, but she also doesn't like the idea of meds.

@BigGyro09 I'm in a very similar situation with my mom. She doesn't understand what I'm going through or why I act the way I do, but she's compassionate for the most part. We had a lot of fights in the beginning because she would make comments about my hand washing (which made me feel worse). Now she just let's me do what I need to do (she might make a comment here and there when she's not in the best mood, but I let her know they're unhelpful). She's also against meds...not that that's really stopping me from considering them. I just don't think I have the money for them at the moment. If you can get your hands on the medication and that's what you want to do, don't let your family get in the way. That aside, take solace in the fact that ERP is a proven and incredibly effective way of dealing with OCD. We can still get through it without all the tools we wished we had.

@BigGyro09 Also, thanks for the congratulations! 😄