My whole life feels like exposure therapy

Vent / Storytime In 2023, I had a panic attack while I was at work. It came on for no apparent reason, and even 2 years later, I still can’t place why I went from feeling perfectly normal to shaking on the ground of the break room while my coworker stood over me asking if she needed to call for an ambulance. After this incident, I became terrified of leaving my house out of the fear I’d have another one of these panic attacks in public, and my OCD was at an all time high. I could barely eat, I didn’t sleep, I just sat in my apartment all-consumed with fear worrying about when another one of these harrowing panic attacks were going to hit me. Up until this point I’d been a very extroverted person! I jumped at the opportunity to do anything! I’d do spontaneous multi-hour road trips with friends, go to local events at the drop of a hat, was itching for vacations and get-aways, and always accepted invites to just go out and do something!!! But this one panic attack on an April afternoon completely upended this for me. I didn’t want to go anywhere anymore. Everything felt so scary and uncertain to me now, and having to deviate from the control I felt over being in my home was like a fate worse than death. (I was also haunted by the fact that I was very quickly running out of sick days for my job). It felt like OCD had completely taken over my life, and that all of my freedom had been stripped from me. I turned down plans that the old-me would’ve gone and done without question, I stopped seeing my friends, and when I eventually had to go back to work, my anxiety was so high that I was barely functional, and my hours were cut short. Months passed like this, and I eventually concluded that I needed to make a change and actually fight back against my OCD instead of enabling it. But now, 2 years later, I still feel like I’m at square one with this call-to-action. I’ve been going back out with friends, but it still feels as scary and anxiety-inducing as it did in the beginning. My heart races going to new places, sitting in someone else’s car makes me feel like I’m gonna faint, and most of the time I wish I would’ve just cancelled. I never do, and I keep pushing through. I still go to events when friends invite me to, I make an effort to go shopping or do things just for the hell of it, but that OCD demon is still there poking at my brain matter and making me feel like I’ll have a life ruining panic attack if I even TRY going to something like a concert or a college football game. I just hate that living feels like exposure therapy now. That the simple act of going outside feels like a trial and something I’ll overthink; rather than something I actually enjoy. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be free. I want to be the version of myself I was before the incident. I want to do things without being afraid. I WANT TO LIVE!!! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!