my girlfriend lost the romantic element (long)

this is a weird situation and i have been working on mindfulness and presence with it all. we are lesbians, my girlfriend of 2 years had finally opened up about what she is feeling following something i blurted out impulsively and hurt her, as she has changed how she views me. things havent been great for a while, i have been figuring out my mental health and ocd/anxiety/adhd and she has the same conditions too. it has strained our relationship, she has always been with women since 14 (for context now she is 21 and i am 23) and has a new male friend in her life that is very religous, respectful, trusting, kind (i have met him and very comfortable with him) and she has always said its a lesbian boy crush / innocent middle school crush. shes not looking for sexual relations but wants to know if she can be treated better and have the autonomy to take a shot in the dark with him (who has never had a gf) and is unsure if these feelings are more than platonicness. i have already gained those experiences, who am i to hold her back and prevent her from seeking the clarity and closure she needs? i know i am secure with her and am working on bettering myself for our relationship, this convo i handled kindly and well and it is slowly starting to relieve tension now that she was open and honest. its not that she wants to break up or lose me, she just needs to follow her gut intuition to see if this is something she/ he would want very innocently. i am working on remembering my feelings are valid and i did cause this circumstance although i recognize the idea of her lacking experience due to always being in relationships is the pivotal point that she needs to do this. and i am allowed to feel weird and uncertain and sad and grief while respecting that this is something she needs to do to seek that closure and clarity for our future. i definitely wish i could get that spark back between us, we have such a strong emotional connection and alignment in all other ways, but things i have said/done did in fact lead us here. i think its the fact its her friend that i also love and care about it what scares me, but we dont even know how he feels about this because were not there yet, its all just out in the open air to navigate. its definitely something i didnt expect and easily could heighten my what ifs and rocd but i am proceeding mindfully and viewing this as a test to our relationship and compatibility. i love her and feel secure and safe with her and this is what she needs to do for her own exploration and identity , allowing her that autonomy to explore is going to bring us closer together. maybe he will reciprocate, maybe not and that will be that, its just a leap of faith to see what comes of it, and then we will proceed from there. i wish there was more i could do, i mean i have been journaling / gratitude every day and we are opening up in conversations with one another because she got it off her chest. both my feelings about this can coexist with respecting and supporting her needs to follow her gut and get the answers she needs, we will proceed from there. i am allowed to feel hurt and confused in this different circumstance, and dont love / view her any less because she did open up to me instead of bottling it up inside. i am very proud of her for getting it out and she is respectful that this is hard for me to hear and figure out. i trust her and trust him and know i see a future with her, and am glad this is addressed now instead of years down the line. she never had interest in a man before - is this platonic or romantic? is this something he is even comfortable pursuing? what if what if what if i remind myself because we are not there yet. this isnt a breakup but a test to our relationship. it feels good to talk about in this space, i am proud of myself for how i am handling things mindfully and presently with no resentment or judgement because i did have those experiences before meeting her, and she deserves those answers too. its her friend and she continues to view him as a friend when they text / talk. i can only work on what is in my control and that is still putting in the self work and trying to stop ruminating by distracting my mind and addressing my immediate needs and senses. i believe she is my soulmate and this is what she needs to do - a simple shot in the dark leap of faith- to find that with me. and those truths can coexist. thank you for reading if you got this far.

kt.kate

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18d

Idk if this'll help, but my personal belief is if it's meant to be, it'll happen. She's struggling with certain feelings and who she is, it seems. If she needs this experience to put that to rest, as much as it sucks on your side, let her. If she finds that it's something she wants or even doesn't but still comes back to you because she wants you, then she'll be more at peace with herself, and it should mean more trust, respect, and love for you. And if she doesn't come back to you, then at least you'll know and know now rather than years down the road.

sjrboo

Date posted: 18d

@kt.kate 10000% agree im still feeling my feelings and working on reframing my perspective because shes also ocd and if i feed into reassurance it makes her spiral more into the actions when these are just confusing thoughts

kt.kate

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18d

@sjrboo Understandable! That's a lot on both sides. Just keep doing your ERP and being honest and open with each other. The rest is hope and prayers/vibes/whatever you believe in. But even though I'm a random internet stranger, I know you've got this, and so does she. Whatever happens, it'll work out in the end.

sjrboo

Date posted: 17d

we talked about it again and she expresses severe guilt with these intrusive thoughts and i think is unsure about whether to act on it or not but i think she may take the leap of faith but who knows what will happen, i guess i am just really scared about the what ifs and trying not to ask for reassurance but ultimately it is my fault that this is what is happening right now and what she needs to do and i know she doesnt want to lose me in her life, i just wish i would have listened and been respectful so we can reignite the romantic spark:(

kt.kate

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d

Two questions: 1. I understand those feelings of guilt and get them with some of my intrusive thoughts as well. What if she ERPs it and imagines following through with this person?Keeping in mind our heads can make something seem better than the reality. But sitting with those feelings could help decrease their hold on her. Kind of like a Chinese finger trap – the more you fight it, the stronger it gets ahold of you. 2. Why do you say it's ultimately your fault?

sjrboo

Date posted: 17d

@kt.kate like i led us to this point because i have made actions that violated her said / made actions that hurt her and put her down emotionally/ mentally and my intrusive / impulsive comment was the breaking point for this festerment to come up

kt.kate

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17d

@sjrboo Ah, gotcha. Sorry if you might've said that before. My memory is a little fuzzy at the moment. My advice would also be to do what you can to support her and create space for her to forgive you, but for you to forgive yourself too. That's just as important.

vicelizviz0121

Date posted: 20w

Long post ahead- The tie between SOOCD and ROCD

Does anybody else face both SOOCD and ROCD? I feel like it has been an ongoing cycle since January and now its July. This all started over a “should I kiss her” thought when dropping off a friend at home and ever since then, it is ongoing. My reaction used to be to cry and panic, and now its kinda mellowing out which scares me into thinking it could be real (all because my reaction is not what it used to be). I also have been facing sheer panic anytime I face something related to coming out. For instance, I seen a post on social media the other day about a women who came out after 14 years being with a man, after she rekindled a friendship with an old female friend…My head goes “so it could happen to me”. Or for instance, the other day, my grandma gave me a hoodie to give to my mom, or for me to keep for myself if it fit, and of course when she showed it to me, it had a rainbow heart and rainbow draw strings. This immediately sent me into a stomach turning panic. On the other hand, this is causing me to feel like I need to leave my boyfriend because what if I leave him in future anyway because of my sexuality. What if im saving him? This has all stopped me from feeling anything towards him and our relationship and Im scared on what that means. I know a lot of things read that it can cause a mental shut out of emotions, and a disconnect in the relationship, but it is making me feel nothing anymore and im scared that it means its time to let go. Our relationship has been nothing but perfect for 2 years. We barely argue and if we do, it is over quickly. Hes always opening my door, checking on me, taking me to do things to create memories, etc. I know that the honeymoon phase ends quickly but im having a hard time disassociating the difference between honeymoon phase is over, this is normal, or if I should leave him and because of the SOOCD thing or maybe I really am not straight. Thank you to whoever read all this. Im sorry for it being so long.

aaymhigh

Date posted: 13w

Having thoughts about my gf sleeping with her exes

Hi. This is my first post here and it was recommended by my therapist to join and speak about this to get help and advice from others on top of therapy. For context sake, we are a wlw couple, I was raised in a purity doomsday cult, and I have been diagnosed with OCD since I was 14 and PTSD since I was 24. For about 4ish weeks now, I have been having horrible intrusive thoughts, daydreams, nightmares, and night terrors about my gf sleeping with or doing other sexual things with her exes. I just can't get it out of my head and it is breaking me. It feels like it was timed out of hell itself, because while I have been fighting this literally 3 of her exes have tried to contact her or get back with her. She tells me, without me asking at all, each time it happens so that way she doesnt feel like she isn't communicating about these things and to help my insecurities (I know I have them, I struggle with them often but don't use them as an excuse for anything). I know we are rock solid, we have been since we got together as we have been friends for 7 years before starting dating. But thats made this even harder. I know her exes, I met 3 of them and shook hands with one of them. I know the stories, I know the times she did things and "kiss and told" to me cause I was her bff. I know when she hooked up with people on dates. And all of that has exasperated this issue in me. It doesn't help that my last relationship (a marriage) ended cause of getting cheated on by my exwife with someone who I thought was a friend. So I keep getting thoughts along with these daydreams and nightmares like "does she really love me more than any ex that could try to contact her", "am I just a placeholder?", or "is it gonna happen again?" and things of that nature. Mind you, we are moving in together next year, so I know that those things arent true yet they still berate my head with scared paranoia. I will be minding my own business and then next thing you know my mind throws an image at me of her underneath one of the exes I know about or have met. It destroys me. I have broke down crying several times from it. It also gets worsened when she gets flirty comments on her tiktok. I just feel like I cant take any more. I am not sleeping, cant rest when I am awake, and feel like I cant even lean in and get comfort from the relationship without these thoughts flooding in and crushing me. She has been amazing through this and tries to help in any way she can, but idek where to start to handle this. Next week me and my therapist are gonna dig deeper into where this may be coming from (outside of OCD) and I hope we get answers through that. I just can't keep feeling like something that happened in the past and that I never witnessed is causing a rift between us emotionally, and will definitely affect the relationship even harder if I dont get this under control. Im so tired, I just want my peace of mind back. I just want to not think about the past and instead think about us. But it is like I am being haunted by her exes and other people wanting to get with her. Almost as if I am wondering just who its gonna take to approach her before I become the afterthought. I just want my happiness with my gf back. Thank you for reading this, I am not doing well and just needed to get this out there to both vent, cry, and get support.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 7w

Masculine Lesbians/Androgynous women //Rant

Warning!! This will have some 18+ stuff. I know I shouldn’t be ruminating about this but this whole off and on 6 year SOOCD thing started because I thought a kpop idol (who was masculine presenting/androgynous) was attractive. It made me very uncomfortable finding out that she was indeed a woman. In some pictures and angles she looked like another male kpop idol, but in some she looked like a woman and the attraction just went away. But my brain went to full panic mode because I was worried that it meant something about me. Logically I know this doesn’t mean anything and that I can just move on. I’ve even had friends (they are straight) in high school tell me they would sometimes mistake a super masculine lesbian/androgynous woman as men, find them attractive, realize they’re women, and then just move on. I’ve even had masculine lesbian friends, teammates, and coaches, and I never thought anything about it or felt attraction to any of them (even if they were conventionally attractive). But my brain brings in past stuff like how I was attracted to a manly cartoon character, bc again THEY LOOKED LIKE MEN. I literally did not care or get triggered until SOOCD started. Idc ab childhood exploration or ab the fact that TMIIIIII!!! I am aroused by anything remotely sexual (sorry), I completely forgot about it until a couple months ago and It has never changed the fact that I’ve only ever wanted to be with men and have been attracted to men all my life 😭. It just makes the false attractions and groinal responses harder to pass by bc my brain automatically tells me “UR LYING YOU LIKE THIS! UR YEARS OF NUMBNESS, LOSS OF ATTRACTION, AND LIBIDO IS BC UR GAY!” But when ocd wasn’t at my throat, and I was entering a happier headspace, I was noticing the attraction coming back, and for the first time in years I developed a crush on someone (my now boyfriend). I’ve always found him cute and had a crush on him but ocd likes to tell me that never happened and i’m lying but whatever. Anyways, I developed a real crush again, I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted to touch him (not super freaky touching😭 just like caressing his hair and face), I wanted to talk to him and be around him, I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning and talk to him bc I just felt so giddy and like a normal person again, I had all the crush feelings for him. Before the SOOCD flare up I was just so happy and excited. I was worried about the numbness, which i’m pretty sure is from years of not doing ERP and off and on struggle with really bad depression. Highschool was pure hell for me, I got a tiny bit better after graduating, and then I had to drop out of school for a bit bc the depression became unbearable again. Although I am better now, my new therapist now even told me I do have signs of moderate depression. Best way I can describe the way I feel is like a rock. I feel like all my emotions are muted. I don’t have any hobbies, wants, goals, I feel like a rock with a bunch of feet walking over and around me. I liked reading and going on walks but even that is too much energy again. For the past 4 years I’ve spent my days rotting away just laying down. Also, TMI!!!! I literally have no libido or sex drive, I don’t even do the self stuff (ykwim) bc I have 0 desire to do it. My man was slowlllyyy waking up all the emotions but this ocd spiral has sent me back to my rock like state. TMI!! Me and my bf have been slightly intimate but Im ALWAYS in my head majority of the time and checking feelings and arousal (esp since i have no libido) which ruins it. But when I was in the moment laying on him and we were just kissing here and there, I felt sooooooo amazing. Idk the right word but it felt so peaceful, loving, calming, and just right 😭. Even yesterday I was starting to spiral again bc OCD started to make fake memories, he called me and I was starting to tune out the OCD, and I felt the peace again. I felt the happiness just talking to him again. I’m at a point where idc what ocd says anymore, Im really tired and done debating with this evil disorder. I just want to enjoy my relationship again bc I KNOW that was the real me. It felt so freeing to have a small taste of recovery 😭. Ik I did compulsions (basically habits now bc I haven’t had proper treatment for so long) and things did trigger me, but when I was IN THE MOMENT everything was just so nice and sweet and just really amazing 😭. I hope I can feel all that again soon.

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my girlfriend lost the romantic element (long)

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