Question about SOOCD

Ok so TRIGGER WARNING if you are not in therapy for SOOCD or are early in therapy for SOOCD please don't read this. Hi, I'm Maddie. I'm 19 and bisexual and diagnosed with OCD (mainly harm OCD and contamination OCD). I am religious and am a nonacting bisexual that happens to be married to a man. Despite this I am still attracted to women. I have also dealt with SOOCD or internalized homophobia, I'm not sure which, where I have second guessed my sexuality over and over and had intrusive thoughts about kissing random people, mostly girls. It took me from 6th grade to 9th grade to finally accept that I am attracted to women as well as men. I would compulsively take sexuality quizzes, avoid thinking about women I found attractive and a lot of things that were definitely compulsive, but I am not sure this was SOOCD or not because I actually am bisexual. At the time however I was thinking I was straight and absolutely terrified of being gay. Now I have accepted myself (conveniently after finding a boyfriend during my questioning) and the compulsions have passed, though some avoidance still occurs. This said, I am wondering if what I experienced was SOOCD or just internalized homophobia from being a Christian? ( Now I believe that being gay is not a sin but acting on it may be, though I don't know for sure. Please don't hate me for that, it's something I only apply to myself not to others. I have no desire to force others not to act on their feelings or beliefs)

julianofnorwich

Date posted: 15d

Thank you for being so vulnerable this is an enlightening and hope filled thread

anonymous00001

Date posted: 15d

Hi Maddie! Thanks for sharing. I’m a bisexual woman engaged to a man. I heard someone wisely say: “compulsory heterosexuality affects us ALL”. This means that we’re living in a world where it is the societal “norm” to be straight. This affects people no matter their orientation. As a bisexual person, I always found it really invalidating when other people would say if you’re attracted to women, your attraction to men isn’t genuine, it’s just internalized homophobia. At the end of the day, we’re all in charge of our choices and only we can know whether a certain feeling is “real”, we can’t let others determine that for us. (Plus, if you have OCD, it’s even harder to know what feelings are “real”.) So, the internalized homophobia that you may or may not have because of the society that we live in does not mean your marriage or your feelings for men are any less “real”. Yes, if you’re a person who felt attractions to women AND like you said you had some acceptance over that, it’s possible you’re bisexual, but only if you decide to identify that way. If you’re experiencing avoidance of women or friends, I completely understand my friend! That’s where the OCD comes in. I think if you decide to identify as a bisexual, it does require you to continue to give yourself some grace and acceptance that you have feelings or attractions toward other women, just like a straight woman would have to accept that she might still be attracted to other men while in a relationship. The part where it gets sticky is when your brain says “NO! You can’t feel that way!” This creates compulsions. I hope this makes sense! Reach out if you have any questions or need support. You’re not alone.

mriley♥

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15d

Thanks so much, I think this clears things up for me. I think my OCD just attaches itself to anything sexual for me. My brain def says no I can't feel that way but I do genuinely feel that way. Its like anytime I genuinely feel something and then my brain says it's not ok. Its less immediate than my typical OCD where like I would get a gronial for a kid and immediately feel discomfort and disgust. With the woman stuff it's like my OCD is more reactive to the feeling of uncertainty and discomfort because of the internalized homophobia. Idk if that makes sense but I think it's a combo of OCD and internalized homophobia but a different form than SOOCD

anonymous00001

Date posted: 15d

@mriley♥ That’s super insightful!! I’m glad it was helpful. Yes, it does seem like OCD and internalized homophobia are involved. I totally get what you’re saying. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and practice some acceptance! It sounds like you have a really strong sense of what’s going on for you and that’s awesome. ☺️

NotMyStick

Date posted: 15d

@anonymous00001 Well said anonymous. Rily I can't relate because i’ve never experienced Bisexuality. But I do know theres nothing wrong with how you feel. If its genuine. Be open about it with your partner. Surpress a genuine feeling could feed your ocd.

NotMyStick

Date posted: 15d

I believe if your same-sex thoughts initially brought you discomfort and you’re still avoiding certain situations then it’s most likely SOOCD. Have you ever felt desire to be intimate with women?.. literally take a good look at them and immediately think you wanna make out with them or similar thoughts to that? i’ve done the same as you in the past where I’ve accepted myself as being gay because I didn’t know what was going on with me, it brought me relief but turns out that acceptance of being the one thing i’ve been afraid of is just a different form of a compulsion.

mriley♥

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15d

I've had thoughts like making out with a woman, some intrusive, some not. I think my main issue is that I just have issues with sexual related OCD not specifically SOOCD. So I think I am attracted to women but because of internalized homophobia combined with my OCD it mimics SOOCD but with a genuine attraction to women. Not sure tho. I mean long run it doesn't matter cause I'm married to a man, but it's definitely something for me to think about. Mostly my thoughts about women are more what they would do to me not anything I would do to them. My thoughts about men are different. Yeah idk for sure but I guess that's life for ya

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 24w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 24w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

marbo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w

Determining sexuality with SOOCD

Anyone who has had sexual orientation OCD since the “dating age” (middle school/high school)— how did you ever determine your sexuality? I don’t want reassurance because I understand our experiences may be different. I’m just curious— did you try boys and girls? Did you just find your person and know? I started having SOOCD at age 16 and I’m now 28. OCD has ruined my ability to date more than anything else. I feel like it stole my chance at love. I’ve had three long-term situationships with men. I adored them but they were also toxic because I think I subconsciously didn’t believe I deserved better. I felt that if I knew the relationship wouldn’t work because of fundamental differences, at least it was okay that I couldn’t fully be present in the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense, but I’m just grieving that part of my life I missed out on.

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