Losing my mind- what is this?

Someone please respond to this, I really feel like I'm losing my mind. This is what I've been going through the past few months: - Been unable to stop googling obsessively about my behaviors - Feel unable to control my emotions - Constantly ruminating about being a bad person - Avoiding best friend and some relatives, feel super on guard around them, like they'll see I'm awful. - with my best friend, feeling resentful but arguing with myself that she's not a bad person, but still feeling irritated. - Easily irritated, feeling resentful of others in general - making up arguments in my head, then telling myself I'm crazy for thinking it - Struggling to be present with others, listen, and empathize. Mask and try to offer support then feel bad later. - Can't self regulate, always need to vent to family/friends/therapist - Always tired - Can't control thoughts - Analyzing my behavior constantly - Questioning my beliefs and motivations and if they make me a bad person. - Always finding new bad traits about myself/constant guilt - Social anxiety, people pleasing, and avoidance - Want to be alone but can't handle being alone for long, emotional dumping on people then isolating myself because I feel bad - Crave connection - Little enjoyment of anything - Feeling bad about my negative traits but feel overwhelmed about changing - Awful memory/brain fog - Crying a ton I feel like I have zero control anymore. Everyone says I'm not a bad person and I'm fine, and that used to help, but now it doesn't. I've reached out to friends, family and therapists, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I'm extremely desperate.

✨ Sara✨

Date posted: 7w

You’re stuck in an OCD loop, mostly centered around morality and emotional self-checking. The problem isn’t just the thoughts, it’s how you’re responding to them. The compulsions you’re doing to reduce anxiety are what keep the cycle going. These compulsions include Googling your behavior, replaying conversations, analyzing your intentions, checking if you’re a bad person, venting for relief, isolating to “protect” others, and returning to people for reassurance. They may feel necessary, but they teach your brain to treat the thoughts as threats, which is why they keep coming back stronger. The tiredness, brain fog, detachment, and irritability you’re experiencing are signs that your system is overloaded. Constant mental stress and anxiety will do that. When your brain is running 24/7 trying to solve unsolvable questions, exhaustion is the result. That’s not a separate condition and is part of the OCD cycle. You’re also likely experiencing depression, which often looks like low energy, flatness, lack of motivation, and emotional shutdown. You mentioned guilt about venting. The issue isn’t that you’re reaching out, it’s how you’re doing it. If you’re sharing with the goal of getting reassurance, emotional relief, or certainty, it’s another compulsion. That doesn’t mean you should stop talking to people. It means you should shift the purpose: talk for connection, not to reduce anxiety or solve the thought. Here’s how ERP looks for your specific issues: • You have a thought like “What if I’m a bad person?” ERP = Let the thought sit. Don’t respond. Don’t argue with it. Don’t try to prove you’re good. If the feeling is lets say “a 9 out of 10 in stress level” then do something else to lower it like read, go for a walk but then comeback to it when it’s lower like “a 5 on the stress level” and then stay in the discomfort without resolving it. Because if you run away from it completely then it would be considered a distraction and therefore a compulsion. • You feel guilt after saying something and want to mentally review what you said. ERP = Resist the urge to replay it. Say: “I might have said something wrong. I’m not checking.” Accept that you may never know for sure. (Trust me this one’s gonna take a lot of practice) • You want to Google something like “Do good people have these thoughts?” ERP = Don’t search. Sit with the anxiety. Redirect your attention and let the uncertainty exist. • You feel the urge to text or talk to someone to confess or explain your behavior. ERP = Don’t send the message. Let the discomfort pass. Allow them to “possibly” misunderstand or think badly of you. (An exercise that has helped me a lot with this is Imaginal Exposure so search that up!) • You avoid people because you’re afraid of hurting them or being seen as “wrong.” ERP = Stay present. Join the call. Go to the event. Show up despite the doubt. Don’t check how you’re coming across. If the people around you don’t understand OCD, join a space where they do. There are OCD-focused Discord servers that help you connect without reinforcing compulsions (they have moderators that don’t allow reassurance lol). Depression feeds on isolation, and maintaining connections with family, friends and even in the online servers helps A TON. Don’t argue with the thought. Don’t fix the feeling. Don’t run from the uncertainty. Let it sit, label it for what it is, and stop feeding it with reactions. ERP isn’t about feeling better in the moment, it’s about retraining your brain to stop treating these thoughts like emergencies (teaching your brain to properly response to these false alarms) You won’t get free by finding the right answer. You’ll get free by learning to live without needing one!!!!!

ellie86

Date posted: 7w

@✨ Sara✨ I second this!! I’m so sorry your dealing with this that sounds awful, remember you’re not alone in this and you are strong! I’m proud of you for fighting your struggles! Sending love and support!! ❤️

littlecreek24

Date posted: 7w

THANK YOU!!! This is honestly such an insightful and thorough reply. I actually thought I was going crazy!!!! I was thinking it could be anything from an attachment disorder, some personality disorder, or just a full on mental break!! Unfortunately I'm not being treated for ocd, so recognizing the cycle in myself can get confusing. Now that I know I'm not crazy, I feel more confident to try your suggestions.

✨ Sara✨

Date posted: 7w

@littlecreek24 You got this!!!

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 7w

Big hugs!!! This sounds like a big, big struggle. I think it would be useful to know how much of this is OCD? Are the thoughts uncontrollable because they are OCD intrusive thoughts? Or regular thoughts? If the googling an OCD compulsion? Or is it something else? The tiredness matters perfect sense with this. And so did the frustration. Is the avoidance an OCD compulsion, or motivated by something else? I think it would really help me to underhand these things in order to help know what is going on

littlecreek24

Date posted: 7w

The thing is- I have no idea. I saw a psychiatrist recently and he seemed to dismiss my ocd concerns because I'm not an obsessive cleaner. But what he did say is that I have severe anxiety and depression with ocd tendencies. My therapist told me I'm codependent and socially anxious so it could be any one of those things, or all of them together

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 7w

@littlecreek24 I honestly think it's not fair to you to see a psychiatrist who does not truly understand OCD. OCD is a different ball game altogether than anxiety or codependence. It is treated very differently. Getting the correct diagnosis is the first step in making progress. There's two things you could do. First, you could consider signing upwith NOCD. They do all their sessions over zoom, and they take most insurance. For me, it was only $30 a session. They are able to diagnose you over these zoom calls. The second option is to try to find someone else who really understands OCD, either another psychiatrist or a support group like this. I think it's important for you to figure out if these symptoms are driven by OCD or something else– because that will determine the course of treatment. I can tell you from experience that OCD intrusive thoughts are "abnormal". For me, they were repetitive thoughts, the same thought over and over and over and over. And it felt like they were being pumped to my brain Against my will. And I never stopped thinking about them, even when I was reading or talking with people, or doing something that would normally distract anybody else. They were absolutely outside of my control, and they tortured me completely. This is the hallmark of OCD– intrusive thoughts that get "pumped" into your brain CONSTANTLY without you wanting them there. These are actually the "obsessions" that are referenced in the name "obsessive compulsive disorder." It took a while for me to understand that the obsessions actually defined as the uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts. But that's exactly what they are. The "compulsions" are the behaviors that we do to try to make the obsessions less scary. So if you're avoiding people because you feel like something really bad will happen BASED ON the obsessions, then avoiding people is an OCD compulsion. But if you were avoiding people, just because you have a vague concern that something bad will happen, that sounds more like regular anxiety. Either way, it's clear that you are suffering deeply. And it's only fair to you to get a diagnosis so that you can go forward based on that diagnosis.I'm not sure your current psychiatrist has a full understanding of OCD. However, if you don't think what you are experiencing as OCD, then perhaps his knowledge is sufficient for you to go forward based on a diagnosis of social anxiety. GOOD LUCK!!! I am sure you can better!! You need the right tools, and a good understanding of the diagnosis is important. Also, an empathetic psychiatrist is so important to give you those tools. 💙💙💙

littlecreek24

Date posted: 6w

@Tea and Honey Thank you for your words. I definitely have repetitive thoughts that don't go away. My current obsession is that I'm a narcissist, and I look for signs everywhere, in myself and other people. Unfortunately I don't have insurance, as I'm in university and too old to be covered by my parents. So I rely solely on referrals from my doctor which take months to see a free one.

moon0270

Date posted: 21w

Google

At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.

Imsexybutimi...

Date posted: 11w

Do I have ocd

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help

dakotakotaa

Date posted: 8w

Does this sound like OCD?

Terrified I’m going to say or do something wrong, as I’ve been known to loose control before, I’m terrified of myself. Something feels badly off all of the time, it feels like sometbing terrible is going to happen any second, all day. Bad night anxiety, stomach dropping, terrified to sleep and that I’ll die in my sleep, terrified I’ll sleep walk and kill someone or harm myself, terrified I’ll wake up to the worst news or someone’s going to need me and I can’t be there for them then they will be mad, harm themselves, ect Summer is always the worst time, spring it starts, fall I seem to do better and good during winter Self harm urges, I feel out of control, I cant stop and I don’t want to stop. I love cutting myself to put it blankly. Terrified everyone is going to leave, so many people have bevause in so bad at controlling myself, my anger, my anxiety, I push EVERHONE away and isolate for weeks BEVAUSE I don’t want to mess up anything but I just end up messing it up either way. I’m terrified brie is going to leave and I need her. I seriously do not think I could live without her. I was like that with Baylee too, and I hate it I know it’s not rifht but I can’t help but rely on her for all my sanity. If she leaves I feel I have nothing, nothinf to live for, it’s really kicked in with her in the mental hospital I’m tired all day everyday, mentally and physically, but yet can’t ever seem to sit still and sleep, really bad insomnia for the past 5 days I don’t want to get better, I really don’t, I want to get as bad as possible. I want to be worse than some of the people I hang out with or see on the streets, I want scars that are noticeable, I want deep cuts, I want to look like I havnt slept in days, I want to get as bad as I possibly can and I don’t know why I don’t even know who I want to be anymore, I don’t know how I want my personality, some weeks I’m a funny, sassy person, then I’m wanting to be a mean snappy quiet person, then I want to be no body at all, either I want to bring light to the room or be the person EVERHONE sees as quiet and self isolated, sometimes I want to be just a calm collected person so on different days in different things, I don’t know who I want to be Very intrusive thoughts about wanting to kill people, myself, an animal, ect One wrong small change in brie and I think she hates me and is wanting to break up with me, then she shows me love again and I feel like everhthing is perfect, if the love isint being presented rifht to my face in a very clear manner then I believe it’s not there Random, constant episodes of “Deja vu” where either everhthing feels fake and the world moves weird like I was drugged, or where I swear I’ve been in thid moment before causing lots of anxiety thinking everytbing around me is fake or everhthing was imagined and I had just zoned out feom the moment I’m deja’ vu’ing and that everything else was never real, Bad memory, remembering thinfs that never happened, and not remembering A LOT of thinfs, even big things Waking up from naps feeling drugged and not knowing where I am, like a bad nap in a super hot room, but it’s EVERY nap Need constant reassurance but the second I get it I don’t believe any of it and push away my partner even though all I want is for her to comfort me

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