Suffering

Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my “safety net” of all went wrong. I know it’s dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldn’t fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, I’ve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of it…. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often 😅), my mind says “kys”, “jump off a bridge”, and so on. It’s like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortable… I’m trying to get better. I don’t want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, it’s kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. I’m too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts they’ve turned into. It kind of feels like it’ll never go away.

I’m struggling so much in such a state, I’m in a constant loosing battle, I’m bent over crying after self harming because I hate my ocd and how it makes me behave and the way all I ever do is make it worse. I have severe responsibility ocd. I feel so broken I’ve been stuck with this for so long and I’ve spelt my entire adult life like this. I don’t want to be too depressing but I just feel so low and so guilty and so anxious because of the compulsions it makes me do. It’s endless and I’m so so tired

My OCD has become so bad and I feel so alone. I have religious OCD (Christianity) and I’ve been doing okay with letting the blasphemous thoughts go in the moment, but I’m so overcome with guilt and shame I can barely function. I can feel okay and hopeful for a few minutes and then I’m reminded of the horrible thoughts and how nothing can take them back and I can’t handle the guilt. I’m becoming a burden to my family and feel so alone. I do not know what to do. Please help.