First of all, grant yourself some grace here. You are human.
What I read that jumped out at me is- you did not MAKE him feel whatever he felt by your reaction. No one makes anyone feel something. We don’t have that power. If we did, we would MAKE someone fall in love with us, MAKE someone feel the empathy we would like them to have. We have to own our own feelings and not blame others for them. If he had said, “When you said this ____, I felt sad (or disappointed or upset, whatever word fits). That takes away blame and helps you to understand them and what their needs are. Even further, he could say, it would be better if the next time, you stop and think about out your response and say something like “tell me more, I would like to understand, so I can be supportive.”
Now, that response would be in a perfect scenario where YOU weren’t getting hit with a brick. I don’t understand how he would expect you to be calm and supportive when you’re shocked by something that affects everything you thought you knew to be the truth in your relationship. Your head must have been spinning with a million questions- why didn’t I see this, was it all fake, was it something about me, what could I have done differently, what happens next???? This is you being human. You were in shock. Don’t allow him to lay guilt on you for your reaction. Especially to something he was hiding, or maybe trying to change in himself, but couldn’t, from you- his partner,that you thought were planning a special future with. It’s just not reasonable.
Try to give yourself this grace. Sure, talk with him about it. Tell him your intent was not for him to feel hurt. You’re in a place now, where you can be more supportive (if you are). It’s important to let him know that we are all entitled to our feelings, but we are also in control of them. They are not controlled by others, so we can CHOOSE how we are going to deal with our feelings, and how we want to respond, or what we want to do with them.
You had your own feelings as well. It would be ideal if he could understand that too, and if not, ask you more about them. Remember, we cannot always understand another person’s feelings or actions, even after they explain them, and that is entirely okay. You don’t have to agree or understand, but you have to accept that people don’t always have to agree. What’s important is that communication is open. Agreeing and acceptance are different.
Wishing you serenity in your journey forward with acceptance of this truth being opened up in your life. ❤️🩹🙏🏻
