I thought I was doing so well. But then my partner accidentally & unknowingly triggered me by jokingly saying about himself that “he’s pretty ugly anyways.” My thought of thinking he looks ugly sometimes is the main thing my ocd revolves around. Now I feel like I SHOULD be distressed over this thought after him jokingly saying this. Ugh
Hey OP, I just wanted to chime in and say that **confessing is a compulsion.** It might feel like you’re doing the “right” thing by sharing every thought, but that urge to confess? It’s actually part of the OCD cycle. We all have judgmental or intrusive thoughts sometimes. Some we agree with, some we don’t, some we kind of do, none of that actually matters. Not all thoughts are useful. Even people without OCD have random mean or weird thoughts. They don’t define us. That’s the entire point of OCD therapy: learning that so many thoughts just don’t matter. They don’t reflect your values, they’re not secrets, and they don’t need to be shared to be “honest.” If a thought would only be shared out of distress or guilt from OCD, then keeping it to yourself is not lying. Seriously, there is **no secret here.** I know someone told you things like “get it off your chest” or “tell him the truth” or “you’re hiding stuff,” but that advice is actually *harmful* to someone dealing with ROCD. That’s not coming from a place of understanding how OCD works, it’s encouraging compulsions and reinforcing the idea that these thoughts are deeply important when they’re not. You’re getting stuck on technicalities, and OCD *loves* to play that game. Also, yeah, maybe you had a mean thought. So what? Everyone does at some point. That doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who’s hiding something. That makes you human. One more thing: **asking your partner not to trigger you is a compulsion too.** It makes total sense to want to avoid the distress, but asking them to change their behavior will actually feed the OCD. It’s totally okay to talk to your partner about how you’re struggling, but filtering or tiptoeing around triggers won’t help long-term. If he triggers you? Good, that’s ERP gold :) Use it to practice not reacting. And just to be clear, your boyfriend didn’t do anything wrong. It’s important to say that out loud, even if part of you already knows it. This isn’t about him messing up, it’s about OCD messing with your perception. I do agree with what was said about it being understandable that you were unable to comfort him in that moment. I’ve been there too, and it really is hard when you’re in the thick of it. You’re not alone, and you’re not doing anything wrong by trying to sit with the discomfort instead of giving in to OCD. You’ve got this. 🤍
@issphra 🫶🏻 Thank you so much. I felt like when my partner said this about him being ugly kinda jokingly I felt like I SHOULD feel distress about all the times I think he looks ugly. But this is ERP gold! And yes I know not to confront him about this as confessing is not right. And unable to comfort him when he says stuff that triggers me??
When people are telling you to use the triggers as your exposure to ocd.That is 100 % facts! Real life is an exposure . There was a time when going on this forum triggered me real bad. So my therpist advised me to continue to read stuff in this app
Even if in reality you feel like “he looks ugly sometimes” and he did say “I’m pretty ugly anyway” doesn’t matter. You do matter just as much as every thought that enters your brain. Therefore you were probably unable to comfort your partner while you were thinking those thoughts. I don’t know about you but when something triggers me, I immediately start spiraling. Which is probably what you were doing but internally or quietly. Have you tried expressing to your partner that they may have unknowingly triggered you? If you haven’t. . They will continue to “unknowingly” trigger you. Because your partner is unaware they are doing anything “wrong.”
@Calistarwoodburyrabon25 Well I think these thoughts other times but when he said the ugly word and stuff tonight it made me spiral yes. What do you mean in the 1st paragraph by “you do matter just as much as every thought”??? And also I don’t think I can talk to him about this because I will end up confessing Forsure.
@Mk3 1. I meant like you both need to realize that every thought (good or bad; when your spiraling or not.) matters just as much as anything else you say to eachother. Idk maybe it doesn’t make sense😭😭💀 2. Maybe confessing the truth wouldn’t be the worst thing? Honestly hiding things and not telling the truth can sometimes make you feel worse because you’re having to deal with the stress of making sure your actions don’t reflect on your secret/lie. So in the end you have to lie and lie to support your secret. So while telling him the “truth” could be frightening it could also help things.. the worst thing that could happen is yall argue. And if your parents becomes offended that you kept this thought to yourself for this long tell them that you were afraid of a horrible outcome. And that you know the fact that you think this thought isn’t good. But that you needed to get it off your chest and before your partner even has the chance to speak, just say that you need them to be understanding with you as you would be with them. .
@Calistarwoodburyrabon25 Partners = partner **
@Calistarwoodburyrabon25 But the thoughts don’t matter! That’s the whole goal of ocd treatment
@Calistarwoodburyrabon25 Confessing is a compulsion. We all have judgmental thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we partially agree, sometimes we disagree, sometimes we partially disagree. It doesn’t matter. Not all thoughts are useful. We all have thoughts that can be considered mean (even people without OCD) they don’t define us. They do ***not*** need to matter. Not all thoughts matter. That’s the whole premise of OCD therapy, learning that there are *so* many thoughts that ***do not*** matter. They ***do not define us or our values***. There is no secret or lie in keeping thoughts that would *only* be shared out of distress caused by OCD. I repeat there is NO secret. Girl, I’m sorry but your advice is literally the opposite you should tell someone with ROCD. You’re encouraging a compulsion. “Get it off your chest,” “telling him the ‘truth’” “hiding things” etc. This is OCD, not based off of anything real. OP is getting stuck on technicalities. Yes we are all ugly sometimes. Some of us might not be the most attractive.. so?? That’s not a lie or a secret. Also, don’t ask your partner not to trigger you. That’s also a **compulsion**. That will make you worse. You can and should talk to them about how you’re struggling with OCD. Asking them to filter themselves, will only make things worse. Your partner triggers you? Free ERP! Lastly, her partner isn’t doing anything wrong. I’m sure you put it in quotes because you know that, but I think it’s important to clearly state he’s not doing anything he shouldn’t. I do agree with your statement on it being understandable that she was unable to comfort her bf, I’ve been there too and it’s definitely hard.
You know when you have weird thoughts about a coworker and because you have OCD these thoughts really stick and you panic and feel sick? Yeah that’s me and I’ve struggled with having intrusive thoughts about my coworker and now he just got in a relationship with my coworker and my intrusive thoughts are WORSE I thought they would be better? And initially they were because I was relieved that he couldn’t be weird with me now because he has a girlfriend. But this is the thought that i cannot get over- my OCD is like you’re jealous that he doesn’t like you and he’s not with you instead and i envy this girl he is with. Why the fuck am I having these thoughts while I’m in a healthy relationship and love my boyfriend to DEATH- like I know he is my forever. I couldn’t look at him today because I’ve been obsessing over this thought I’ve had in work and now I have to find a new job I hope no one will judge me for these thoughts or maybe someone has had this weird thought before? :(
Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?
My psychologist tells me because my thoughts are based off of facts/ broken boundaries which is why I am having thoughts of am i in love , am I settling , and feeling guilty I should let him go to find someone who wouldn’t doubt him that I do not have rocd. She states rocd is intrusive , irrational thoughts not based off of real facts and I may have ptsd not ocd. He kissed someone else before we were official and he finds a certain type of female attractive that I find disgusting . So I spin about these issues all day long to the point I’m so unhappy with him and had to break up . It’s been over a month now but I’m still severely anxious and depressed The thing is I can’t stop thinking about this 24/7 with severe anxiety and depression and nothing is helping me . Can someone please tell me their thoughts
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