Worried about going to hell

I currently have chronic fatigue syndrome partly from rocd, that relationship is over so it’s gone. But to get better from this I have to not worry. Anxiety is a big part of CFS for everyone. During this time I got very close to God, but lately I’ll feel He’s gone. Before that I’ve been speaking w Christian healing ministry and they basically told me most things are occult. All music, Hollywood, martial arts(I love martial arts) and paying attention to any of it is inviting demons. Also 8% of Christian’s are going to heaven due to multiple ( and his personally) near death experiences. I feel I’m seeking out therapy and coaching to heal from CFS and I feel God is completely gone. I can’t pray. I feel as though I’m going against his will and not sticking with the healing ministry and taking it into my own hands. Just in fear and don’t know which way to turn

At first, it just started as harmless questions, curiously exploring the universe and what life and death mean as a human. Then it became an obsession about death and the afterlife. I’m a Catholic-turned-agnostic who recently took an interest in religion again, trying to redevelop a relationship with God without letting the fear of not being good enough and possibly going to Hell taking over me. Instead, my brain latched onto the possibility that there is no God, that there’s eternal nothingness after the short time we have here on earth and that everything means nothing. My love for my friends and family. My desire to achieve my goals, and to be happy for the people I love achieving theirs. I’m haunted by the feeling that it will all be for nothing, that I will never be reunited with those that I love, that the people I love who have passed on have ceased to exist and one day, so will I and everyone else. I can’t function now. I’ve made myself physically ill over this. I’ve lost my appetite. As someone who once took pride in how much love I have for my job as a daycare teacher, I come into work and feel numb. I go home and feel numb. I’ve obsessively started telling the people in my life how much I love and appreciate them because for the past three days, I’ve been sick thinking about how one day, either I’ll leave them or they’ll leave me. It feels like nothing matters. It feels like everything is in vain. I’ve tried so hard to reframe my mindset, to rewire my brain to not think that way. I’ve tried ERP techniques of allowing myself to sit with the discomfort that the fear brings. To try and desensitize myself to this fear. Nothing seems to work. I’m so lost. I’ve been this way for three days, with yesterday and today being worse than the day it started. It’s like the obsession is morphing into depression in a way. I’m scared I’ll never feel enjoyment in any form again. I don’t know what to do anymore.

So I almost said something against the Holy Spirit the devil has been trying to get me to say something against it for like weeks now and has been trying to get me to see Jesus in like a scary way with like devil horns and all of that stuff like that and then last night he made the cross my mind where I wasn’t scared to go to hell but I truly am and I see how he’s playing on my emotions and the fact that where I tried to cry, but I couldn’t cry anymore and he keeps trying to convince me to say these things that I don’t wanna say and he he keeps trying to get me to say that I curse the Holy Spirit, but I don’t I really truly don’t and then I just started to feel weird last night like I didn’t feel anything I felt really empty and then I keep praying and trying to talk to God, but I can’t feel him or the Holy Spirit. I’m scared because I feel like I’m going to hellwhat do I do? Also like as if he was on the cross and that they Holy Spirit is evil. Every form of blasphemy I feel like I’ve committed how do I fix this because now I feel empty and scared to go to hell