Really need encouragement

@Nameless000 Thank you friend! Did you see my post about my child and I?

@Anony1314 yes, don't forget: the key thing is that what comes from a place of fear is also what comes from a good heart.

@Nameless000 Fear is what happened hours later. Idk why. I went back to sleep and then woke up in a panic. Mainly scared of the label I'd given myself: p**ophile

@Anony1314 you know why you're scared? because it feels so out of sync with you. good! our brain is wired to put us in survival mode when we fear things we do not want. the very fact that you're alert and in fear means you're running away from a monster not that you're one! now, the brain isnt able to recognise the difference between a real threat and imaginary one so really what it's doing to you is a disservice. so what we try to do is use this opportunity to strenghten ourself by practicing ERP. sit with the distress, allow yourself to feel the discomfort of the p**ophile, i know it feels sticky and disgusting, but know that is just the word and not you, and move forward as you focus in the here and now, at the tasks or hobbies you would normally do without ocd, you'll realise sooner than you think that it is not affecting you anymore and you'll find yourself already stronger than before

@Nameless000 Thank you SO much!! Did you see my post I have been ruminating on for over a month now?

@Anony1314 i got the gist of it, if you want you can share the link the post as i cannog manually find it

@Nameless000 I can just copy what I posted there that time if you want

@Anony1314 sure!

@Nameless000 I woke up in the middle of the night breathing and I was having groinals because she laying across me. My mind told me I had already a**aulted her so might as well do something else. I then was like well I have nothing to lose and I had to think of what to do. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards her groin area to cause a feeling. Well I did that and my elbow touched her groin and caused an unwanted feeling and I then immediately asked my child to move. After that, I went back to sleep. I woke up panicking completely thinking I have done ruined my life. Worried I was going to be taken away from my child. Thinking for sure this was it for me

@Nameless000 Are you there

@Nameless000 Sorry friend

@Nameless000 I hope you aren't upset with me

@Anony1314 @Anony1314 i was sleeping sorry i do not have notification on. anyway, we tend to self sabotage ourselbes when we're under pressure and inside the bubble of ocd, so if something feels bad we tend to make it worse instead of accepting the initial distress. if we feel evil, we try to get straight to the point to gain "certainty" of something, reason for your "may as well", it's intrusive maliciousness really, it's not really you, it's an altered false state from ocd, a false belief. From what I understood, you compulsively touched with the elbow the undesired area to check how would it feel, that's a compulsion, a self sabotage mechanism. And now you feel worse because of that. When we tell ourselves to not do something we end up compulsively doing it to see what would happen, or simply put you think of the worst thing possible and you do it. instead of making your anxiety better next time think about "not making it worse" which would really help you. what you did stemmed from fear, not from desire. and also, you probably are exaggerating what you did out of guilt. i istinctively flicked my hand to my cat's face to stop him from sniffing my other cat's bottom, I got worried that i hit him too hard. So what did I do? I literally did it again, it was a compulsion, i tried to replicate the force i used when i struck his face unintentionally maybe too hard, he reacted slightly displeased but that was it, he didnt feel hurt. Because I didn't really hit him hard in that sense. It all happened because of fear. We have to learn to not listen to our OCD instincts because we make things worse. I should have just thought "ops, i didnt mean it, sorry, moving on" but i couldn't allow that moment to simply happen and be forgotten. I thought I was an abuser. I'm not, but still I felt guilty. I'm learning to let go, my cats love me and I love them and I take care of them. It was unintentionally, it all happened because of OCD and my lack of education and practice in how to cope in those situations. Mistakes happen. I hope this was of help.

@Nameless000 Thanks friend. I honestly feel like I'm only feeling guilt because I don't want to go to prison. I'm so scared right now. I feel like I want to throw up. I'm terrified.

@Anony1314 and you want to sit with those feelings of distress and move on, that's the only thing thing to do if you haven't spoke abt it already with your therapist

@Nameless000 Thanks friend. But those feelings, the feeling like I'm only caring because of consequences. Is that bad?

@Anony1314 that is normal fear, but also it's very likely that you think you're afraid of it only because of consequences because you created an expectation of it, and you dont want it. if you truly worried only abt the consequences you would have been worrying abt that too

@Nameless000 I have been worried about that though. That's the thing friend. I don't want to be taken away from my beautiful child

@Nameless000 I expected to be labeled as a p* after this happened, and I was worried about the consequences afterwards

@Anony1314 well it's obvious you're not one, it was a compulsion, not something you did on desire, shit happens. you just have to sit with all this anxiety and move forward. i really recommend though if it keeps weighing on you to talk abt it your therapist even if he/she doesn't want to give reassurance

@Nameless000 Thanks friend!