trying to not relapse into confession compulsion

@nae nae I’ve been trying to and I haven’t given into it a long time and I was doing good but it came up again and I feel like I must. I went through it briefly with my therapist but said we can continue more on the next session and while I opened up, I’ve been feeling condemned that I must talk about it and go into detail. I ended up using ai again for help and it might have made it worst and it’s stuck with me. I can’t “self love” I feel like I probably deserve something worst than ⚰️ religion comes in too. There’s something I’m concerned with regarding my health but it’s come to a point where I just accept if it’s the case because I think I deserve it.

@rainbows I’ve even been having dreams and being scared to make mistakes because I can’t handle the guilt. I’ve had dreams where I might make a mistake and feel intense guilt over it and cry wishing I didn’t make the mistake even though in my dream it’s minor

@rainbows Oh, I'm so sorry that you've been having those distressing dreams :( Have you been able to speak to your therapist about this?

@nae nae No not yet😓 we spoke last week and we’re both not sure when’s the next session. She told me I could write things down in my dairy and read it to her. But it feels heavy to think about it and deal with all these thoughts.

@rainbows I know, I'm sorry 🫂 I'm glad you're trying, though. It's not easy. You're being really brave in doing this, and I think it's great that you've been able to resist confessing. I'm really proud of you! With the diary... You don't have to do that until you feel ready, but it'd probably help for when you see her.

@nae nae It really isn’t :’). I’ve been trying to watch more videos on things in regards to childhood and resist the urge to read online but theres only so much. There’s not really a lot on these kinda situations. I’ve been kinda feeling condemned and like I must immediately tell someone everything. Random videos on my fyp saying things like pay attention to your fears and deep down you know what you have to do and the truth is not easy. I’ve probably been mentally exhausted and just feel too tired at this point. Like perhaps it might be best that I wasn’t here because of my mistakes. I mean ai didn’t really help.

@rainbows You deserve to be here, and those mistakes don't define you. I've told you this before. I know it's exhausting, and it's difficult to keep going at times when our minds are so loud, but don't give up. There's still hope. Recovery is possible. Hang in there a little longer 😓🤍 Hopefully, you'll be able to talk about this more in-depth with your therapist. I just wish you had more people you were comfortable sharing this with :( Try to stay away from AI. It's really tough, especially when we've made a habit out of it, but it's not going to help you.

@nae nae I try and remember what you’ve told me and I’m trying. I wish that I could talk to more people like me but I haven’t found anyone yet😓. I know you know the situation and rn it’s just that the person was a yk and passed away and nobody knew. And I feel like I have to tell people for the sake of them even though it would be a bad idea since some will definitely not understand. I’m just struggling with the whole is it ocd or intuition? And then religion comes In because I feel like God would not understand and there’s no other paths for me but this basically. I’m trying to love myself but I feel like I’m nothing more but just empty on the inside and it brings me more sadness to know that I’ve made mistakes and these mistakes.

@rainbows I'm not religious, so take this with a grain of salt, but from what I do know... God would understand. He judges you by your heart, and you're a good person. He knows you. Have you made a post on here about your situation? Maybe you'd find people who have that in common with you? I've seen a couple of other people posting about similar situations.

@nae nae Thank you nae and I understand 🙏🏽 thank you🫂 I would but I don’t know that’ll go and how some people would react to it. Does it have to be detailed or briefly?

@rainbows It can be whatever you want :) People won't judge you.

@nae nae Thanks nae🙏🏽. Even my therapist told me to avoid doing sm research online😓

@nae nae I actually just saw the news right now about the squid game actor and went through it and🫠

@rainbows Researching is probably your biggest compulsion right now :(

@nae nae It appeared on my fyp and I spent the whole day being held back by it😓 I’m just tired.

@rainbows I'm sorry 🫂❤️‍🩹