I’m scared of being an abusive partner.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I’m graduating from college soon and i have been so stressed about finding a job, signing a lease for an apartment, college ending, I have an ungodly amount of assignments to do, I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother that has recently blown up again, and so much more. I am just so overwhelmed, I snapped at my boyfriend last night. I immediately apologized but i still feel awful. One of my biggest fears is being an abusive partner and i feel like this confirms that I am one. My best friend was also there and he saw me snap at my boyfriend and I’m scared he thinks I’m awful too. He saw me apologize so maybe that makes him think differently, but i can’t know for sure. The logical side of me tells me it’s not that deep, i apologized, and it’s time to move on. But i feel like i need to apologize to my best friend too to make sure he doesn’t think im terrible, but i know thats reassurance seeking. The ocd in me is punishing myself and refusing to move on.

Perfectionism OCD

dijanaasani

Date posted: 26w

Maybe you can talk to them and explain why you got angry. You can do this and then say something like “I know you might or might not think I’m an awful person and I’m not asking for you to accept my apology or to reassure me that I’m not.”

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 26w

Hey, thank you for being so vulnerable. What you’re describing is something I hear often from folks navigating OCD, especially Relationship OCD (ROCD) themes. You’re under a ton of pressure right now, and snapping in a moment of overwhelm doesn’t make you abusive. What you did afterward (apologizing, reflecting, caring about the impact) shows emotional responsibility, not harm. OCD, especially when it targets morality and relationships, latches onto anything that feels uncertain or “not perfect” and twists it into a character judgment. That urge to apologize to your best friend? That’s your brain trying to eliminate doubt, to get reassurance that you’re still a good person. And while it feels like the right thing in the moment, giving in to that urge usually keeps the cycle going. In ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention), we practice sitting with the uncertainty: Maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I’m not a perfect partner. Maybe people think poorly of me. And we work toward tolerating not having full certainty, and still choosing to move forward. You’ve already done something brave by naming this out loud. What’s it been like sitting with that uncertainty since the moment happened?

Buddyfriend

Date posted: 26w

@Andrea Futrell Hi Andrea, thank you for your response and your kind words. It’s been quite uncomfortable sitting with the uncertainty. I have been confessing my actions to other friends, which i recognize is also an ocd behavior. I keep checking to make sure my boyfriend and my best friend still likes me by monitoring how they respond to me. I don’t usually have situations like this, because i try so hard to be good and gentle with the people in my life. I’m not used to “my fears coming true” (if you will) and the associated experience.

Buddyfriend

Date posted: 26w

@Andrea Futrell I feel like i have ruined myself, like i will never be the same again. Like i will never be able to ‘even out’ the deficit i have created. Like there’s some mar on my conscience that i have to live with forever now.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 25w

@Buddyfriend - Hey @Buddyfriend first off, thank you again for being so open. That deep guilt and fear you’re describing? That’s so classic of OCD, especially when it fixates on morality or the idea of being “good.” OCD loves to convince you that one mistake defines your whole character, and that the only way to be okay again is to undo it somehow, by confessing, monitoring others’ reactions, or trying to feel “even” again. But healing doesn’t come from erasing the past, it comes from learning to tolerate the idea that maybe we made a mistake, maybe it made an impact and choosing to move forward anyway. That doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re choosing to respond to your values, not your fear. You apologized. You reflected. Now the OCD is trying to tell you that you’re forever tainted, and we can treat that like the intrusive thought it is. In ERP, we’d work on resisting those compulsions (like confessing or checking), and practicing uncertainty on purpose. Something like, “Maybe I messed up. Maybe they’re still upset. Maybe I can’t know for sure, and I’m still choosing to move forward.” You’re not ruined, you’re human. With big feelings and a strong sense of morality. What would it look like to live your values right now, even if the guilt doesn’t go away right away?

loveyours312

Date posted: 22w

I don’t want to be a terrible person.

Today I kind of snapped and I do feel bad. At Chipotle, a worker wasn’t letting me finish my order and every 2 seconds she kept saying “that’s it?” “That’s it?” Like rushing me, and I yelled, “YES, THATS IT!” I do feel bad because maybe she was having a bad day but I was also frustrated. I do regret it because I need to stay calm in situations, especially because I understand how hard it is to work in fast food, I’ve done it before. I was overwhelmed and frustrated, she kept talking over me and I couldn’t even think about what I wanted next. I’m irritated with myself but I also feel my feelings aren’t wrong, I just handled it in a negative way. Now my OCD has latched on the situation and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I’m an awful person and like I need some sort of punishment, as if having OCD isn’t enough punishment. I did try to call the restaurant to apologize but no one answered. I sent an email with an apology to customer support, I’m not sure if she’ll even get it. I’m having so many ruminating and self deprecating thoughts now. I’m not a terrible person but I feel like I am

Horrorjunkie

Date posted: 19w

ROCD about abuse

Is anyone else struggling with the “What if my partner is abusive?” I have been obsessing over this for 3 weeks. My brain is on overdrive trying to recall every incident within our relationship to determine if it was abusive behavior. My partner is not perfect but I truly don’t believe he is abusive. There are three incidents that I have been obsessing over and my brain tries to tell me it is abuse and I need to leave. First incident - I accused him of smoking cigarettes with my friends and he grabbed my arm not in an aggressive manner but more of let’s go over to your friends so they can tell you I wasn’t smoking. Other Incidents - We’ve had stupid arguments and he tried to make me laugh by playfully manhandling me or kissing me. This has happened about 3 times. It is playful and never physically hurt me but I get triggered. I start asking myself questions like was that too rough? Was he being abusive? Was he trying to intimidate me? Is this how abuse starts? Did he do something abusive but I’m in denial? Am I overacting to normal behavior in playful relationships? Am I gaslighting myself into believing he isn’t abusive? These questions are driving me crazy. I do not feel scared of my boyfriend and I trust him. I have talked to him about all this and he listens and has stopped the behavior that triggered me. I even found a list of abusive behavior on Google and we went through it together. I keep brining it up and it is causing a strain in our relationship. He doesn’t even want to touch me anymore.

harvestmoon

Date posted: 16w

worried about friendships

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.

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I’m scared of being an abusive partner.

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