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POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

Does anyone know of any rehabilitation centers for mental health? My ocd has gotten bad today to the point where I feel like leaving :( and desperately get help . Ever since I began medication months ago I been feeling fine but all sudden I feel like my episodes are rapidly coming back. I’m more responsive to them. I find myself ruminating more and engaging in compulsions. I feel embarrassed that my family would have to know if I considered making that choice of leaving . It’s never gotten to this breaking point , or at least I don’t think. I’ve been through this a billion times and each time it feels like it’s the worst and it’s gonna be the one that will permanently take over me and my full control. I’m from Elkhart, Indiana. Or if there’s anyone here that can talk to me I’d appreciate it I feel so alone right now and I’m more vulnerable because I’m home alone and I don’t have many friends. I’m scared that I’m gonna lose touch with myself. I don’t wanna lost my values or stop feeling my normal self. It feels real and scary. I want it to stop.

I am having a really hard time being home for the holidays. My intrusive thoughts are constant and loud. It sucks too, because my thoughts get triggered when I'm around one of my family members. I just want to distance myself, so I can stop the thoughts and feel like I'm not going to hurt anyone. I'm so distressed and depressed. What do you do to help calm your mind and remind yourself that you are a good person, despite what the thoughts say? I've already meditated, taken my Lexapro, and tried to remind myself that these thoughts want to attack the things I care about the most. Thanks. ❤️