I don’t know what to think. too much to take in. don’t know what to think of myself. humans are scary. the way they are capable of doing such evil things….. I want to run away. I am starting to feel the need to move. I can’t right now. it will be scary when I do because I’ll be more alone. but I will start new again. I don’t know. so many thoughts. sleeping is much better. reality cuts deep.
hey want to talk?
@Viny hey! it’s good to see you again. I’m quite surprised when I saw ur name. sure, if u don’t mind. not sure if u have any questions, but I’ll try my best to answer them.
@veinsoul - well my only question is how are you doing my Friend! Like how are you holding up or what are you up to?
@Viny I’m going back and forth. doing fine and then the next moment I feel like deleting myself or something lol. as for what I’m up to, I’m planning on saving up for a loft bed to create more space in my room. I will use the extra space for a sleeper sofa to finally read my (many….) books. and so I can install my cat furniture for my two kitties. I finally start my college classes tomorrow. this is another chance for me to get up and get things going. I’m already on probation, so I can only do a few classes. how about you? what are you up to? if u don’t mind me asking
@veinsoul I'm glad you are getting things going. As for me I'm trying to get the hang of things back. I'm going to the gym again, talking to friends... And stressed out about my final thesis on university. I also want to go back and finish my many books lol I read the whole lotr trilogy already and I was almost at the halfway point of the Silmarillion
@Viny that’s great to hear! sending you motivation vibes =(^.^)= I actually just replied to an online friend after almost a month bc of me battling my mind & it’s good. I’m also starting the gym again! I only did it for one month but I am just tired of my disgusting body. I hope I can feel better once I reach my goal. I’m wishing u the best gym experience! ugh, I can imagine with essays. I haaate writing essays. I usually avoided doing those even tho most took up a large percentage of my grade. def won’t do it this time. u can do this! :D also, reading lotr sounds like it would take AGES to finish. I mean, goodness, the damn movies were so long when I watched them many years ago. I already forgot the whole thing but it’s a damn marathon if anyone is planning to watch the series. I know I said I forgot abt the entire series, but since u already read the books…tell me, do the movies portray what’s in the writing? that’s if you’ve seen them. I remember folks saying that with the hunger games series, things were changed in the movies compared to the books. so I was wondering if the same thing happened with lotr :0
@veinsoul Damn it took me a year to read through the trilogy. And YES many many many things are lost or changed in translation from book to movie
@Viny I wonder why they do that. could it be that there are too many things? idk
@veinsoul Basically that. The book is packed full with details that couldn't fit in the movie cut
@Viny ah, I see. makes sense I guess
I’ve been doing okay, I’ve been a bit emotionally numb honestly. I’m stressed, tired, and just ugh. I was talking to my bf about exs and he was making a joke. An immediate comeback came into my head and for a second it felt fine. I was smirking. I felt like I was about to say this. It was a terribly mean thing that attacks things he’s told me in confidence that he’s insecure about. A comment comparing him to an ex. He saw when it hit me because I was genuinely too shocked for it to not be apparent. I had such a strong urge to confess, but I couldn’t because it was *so mean*. He’s been numb too and we honestly seem to hate each other in a loving way, and that’s somehow comforting. So, he pushed me to confess out of curiosity. I ended up telling him. He didn’t care but I’m still in so much distress. Had it been a moment where he wasn’t apathetic, had it been then and I spoke without thinking, I’m sure he would’ve cared, I know it would’ve hurt him. I feel so shocked at the cruelty my mind creates. I don’t even know if this was intrusive because I energized and felt good until a few seconds later when it felt like I got ice water thrown at me from the shock. I genuinely could’ve said this and I know there’s no point in dwelling on it now but it’s still so scary. I can’t seem to breathe properly right now. I feel so panicked. I haven’t had a panic attack in almost a week. My brain is a bully. I don’t want it to be apart of me. I feel so awful for having that thought and I feel like I’m drowning.
I feel like a lot of my fears are actually just centered around what other people think of me because I'm scared of being abandoned and no one loving me anymore. I don't actually feel like my fears are about being a good person. And then when I have this thought it makes me feel even worse because many people here genuinely seem to be scared of being a bad person. I feel like an actual bad person who's more concerned with appearances than anything else :(. I keep having these thoughts like what kind of person am I when I'm alone and with my thoughts. And then I get scared to be alone.
I'm at my college and don't feel like being here. I didn't even want to come here. I woke up with anxiety bc i feel like i need to solve this. I had a bad stomach ache when i arrived to school and still havent even eaten breakfast yet bc i feel like i have to solve this. Im just so worried bc i have harm thoughts daily. If i could i would remove this! I dont want to think anymore. Its just, how do I know i dont have real urges when I'm feeling a negative emotion like anger or disappointment or annoyance? Im worried EVERY time i feel a negative emotion. Yesterday I was playing video games with my neice (we are close in age range) and she made us lose. She started blaming me and I guess i felt a little annoyed, it really wasnt my fault (dumb mini argument it was more playful since we started laughing but it was a bit annoying). Anyway i got a harm thought while feeling annoyed of me getting off the couch and lunging at her to attack. I immediately look at my bodily reaction and I tense up to stay as still as possible. My stomach was hurting and i wanted to leave as fast as possible. I stood up and turned off the game and said i was tired while making sure to stay back from her (and i had my hands away and stiff) but i felt so uneasy. I laid I bed and felt sad and heavy. And i kept getting thoughts that said "íts only a matter of time before you can't take it anymore". I started to reassurance seek using ai to ask if i was about to or if they are real urges or thoughts i mean until i eventually fell asleep in the middle of the compulsion. Im just so worried, what if I act out impulsevly one day? I dont want to! But what if when feeling a negative emotion, i suddenly dont care and do something? I really dont want to! I dont even want to feel negative emotions anymore since they trigger the thoughts and I dont want to think about any of that. As a result i tend to avoid my family as much as possible bc they are annoying sometimes. I just wish i was all alone sometimes so i wont get any more thoughts and so everyone can be safe. I usually just stay in bed under my blankets all day long to avoid my family and pets. I am constantly uncomfortable. I miss when i would never think any of this. Living life has become very scary for me now. 😞
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