😞

im just living day by day. i’ve stopped doing the things i used to like doing because i don’t want to ruin them. i dont want my favourite music, movies, shows and hobbies to be tainted with anxiety and my own thoughts. im a shell of who i used to be and if i had the choice i’d do nothing. at this point i’m living to cover up my emotions. its even harder because i’m not actually diagnosed since i dont think i could handle telling my parents about what’s wrong with me. i have a lot of the symptoms and i’ve had them since i was quite young (16 now) and it just hasn’t been getting better, im just better at hiding it now. i dont want to bother my boyfriend or parents with my issues so i have to deal with everything myself. i don’t find anything fun anymore and i want to die, i have nothing to live for and i quite simply want it to end. i always think it can’t get worse but i fall deeper into my sadness and me saying i’m alright to people is a lie. i feel so incredibly trapped i don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

i can’t take care of myself anymore. i’m sleeping with no bedsheets, no pillow and no blankets. it’s so hard to do anything. i can’t shower, i can barely eat, i can’t brush my teeth. i want to self harm so bad right now, i just want to end it all honestly. i feel like i was doomed from the start. my own mother says i should just kill myself. i don’t know what to do at this point. i can’t accept help because i can’t have anyone near me. i feel hopeless. i know this is temporary but, i don’t know. i feel like a child who needs to be guided, i just want someone to hold my hand and help me, but my mother hears my cries for help and ignores me. i’m an adult, there’s no one here to save me, no one to guide me. all i have is myself but, im no good.

How much longer do I have to endure this? I've been seeing a talk therapist for over 2 years, and my specialist for nearly 6 months, and I've only made a small amount of progress. What is the magic to getting better? I feel like I'm just treading water. And just saying I need to do things that are uncomfortable isn't cutting it, or else I wouldn't be in the situation I am. Who knows the answer and can help me? Who has dealt with these feelings and can offer me guidance on what works? My life is passing me by and year after year I'm merely existing. I was excited when I took the first step and reached out to a therapist 2 years ago, and hoped that I would get better soon. I've continued to have hope and get excited with each new step, but I'm still waiting; >for these feelings to go away, >to gain my time back, >to have the ability to live in a clean home, >to see my family, >to live my life, and enjoy each day again. Why am I still imprisoned by this?