- Date posted
- 45w ago
STD contamination fears
Does anyone else have really bad contamination OCD surrounding stds? Because I can hardly find anything about it on here.
Does anyone else have really bad contamination OCD surrounding stds? Because I can hardly find anything about it on here.
I get very worried about this and my partner will get upset sometimes cause we've been together for 7 yrs and doesn't understand why I would be scared if I'm not cheating. I can get a test and it say negative and I'll just assume the virus or whatever just isn't detectible yet and I'll probably be positive in a few months. I've done this a lot with HIV and hepatitis. I'm still not sure I don't have them but I literally just got tested a week ago š„“ also I work in a dental office and see blood all the time so that def doesn't help.
@_sarah_ I relate to this so much! My partner and I have been together for 6 years and I still struggle with std fears and chronic testing.
That is my biggest fear, I canāt tell you how many hiv tests Iāve done within a year for the most surreal reasons I never seem to accept that I donāt have it and stop panicking
Oh yeah- that was a big one for me. Paranoid about every ingrown hair. Terrified of sleeping with anybody who had slept with anybody else. It significantly impacted my relationships and how I chose a partner. Itās a tough one to cope with.
This is a big part of my contamination OCD. Itās been hard dating. I took some time off from dating when my OCD was at its peak. I havenāt slept with a new person in 6 years, itās tough to explain to my friends why I havenāt been dating. Iāve been slowly getting back on the apps though after doing exposure therapy
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
I am starting to come to grips with intrusive thoughts, reading how your brain will think of the worst thing / or make you think of something that really distresses you. BUT, Iāve got something I need to get off my chest, not looking for reassurance but just to know Iām not alone I guess? I remember one time, I saw a girl I follow on Instagram go on a marathon, and then went straight out for dinner after without showering and I had the passing thought of, gosh she must smell, even worse, she must smell down there. That has got to be the worst intrusive thought EVER, and because it affected me so much, I have the urge to think of this horrible horrible thought most times I look at people. Wondering if they smell!!!! Itās disgusting!!!! :( I donāt know if this is because I also have contamination ocd and I do obsess about feeling and being clean.
Dose anyone else experience that your OCD calms down and goes to the back of your mind during- feels almost safe and unaware of it but as soon as it's over and youve calmed down all the intrusive thoughts come rushing back 10x worse? I've had really awful panic attacks because of it the past two nights and it's exhausting I haven't been with another person in over a year because of how bad it was after and not being able to explain it properly to partners "no I'm not crying because of you" "no you didn't do anything wrong" I feel insane- like I'll never be able to have a normal functioning sexual time alone or with others do to it the compulsions that come with it are exhausting it's like the need to cleanse myself of filth like I'm disgusting and horrible until there's no traces I did anything in the first place I'm just so tired dose anyone have any tips of how to work through this- or at least be able to enjoy myself without crying afterwords? I have no idea what subtype this would even entail? I'm going to go with contamination I guess ?
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