I just want to find…

To add, my OCD came from my childhood experiences. I was so afraid of my father I started to become afraid of being like him. That’s the foundation to my OCD and I’m so tired of it. I still live with my mother I have nowhere to go. I cannot believe this is my life. I wish I could’ve fallen in love, experienced the joy that life has to offer. Go to parties, hang out with friends, accomplish my dreams. All of that seems impossible. I’m trapped in abusive cycles and I don’t know who I am. I relate so much to “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jeanette McCurdy, except she isn’t even dead yet. And when my father died I grieved and it was horrible. The pain was horrible. When my only therapist so far asked me what’s the worst pain I felt in my life, I told her grieving my fathers death despite the fact that I hated him and didn’t speak to him for 3 years before he died. My therapist said “wow, I didn’t think you would say that.” Well, yes? Because before I knew him to be a monster I loved him and I thought he was the best man in the entire world. I mourned that part of me. I mourned that love that I once had for who I thought to be my DAD, somebody to be proud of. All of that went away when I knew who he really was though. I’m exhausted. I don’t think I deserve anything good in my life. I’m just tired.

Hey I feel you on the therapist thing. I have had amazing fits, ok fits, and awful fits. The awful fits, while few, thankfully, did so much damage, it almost negated all the progress made with my amazing fit just before. It took a while to realize what was going on. I kept noticing that I felt worse and worse on my way there. Practicing what I was going to say, defending myself before I even got there because he always made me feel stupid and I felt I had to defend everything I said. I also came in on him and my dad straight up talking turds about me. that was a blow. I started crying, of course! And they both pounced on me telling me I didn't understand what I heard correctly and that I was confused and making me feel like a complete idiot and like I can't even understand reality correctly! Until I replayed what I heard in my head a knew they were full of it and just trying to backpedal because they messed up and rather than admit it they turned on me. So yeah, their counselor is critical. So start looking again. I know it is overwhelming and daunting but you owe it to yourself to put in the time and effort it's going to take to find the right one. And it'll be so worth it when you do. And please don't let this experience or past experiences with bad counselors ruin your experience with future counselors. Remember that they're not all the same. Go into what the Blake's late, give yourself the time and space to really evaluate how that one individual counselor fits with you and your situation, don't just write them off at the first questionable thing that comes up. Like I said, you owe to yourself and you deserve to find someone who will be your ally and you can count on and that will be that person in your corner no matter what with no judgments, with no hesitation. Hesitation when they speak to you, with no reservation, someone you can trust inherently and completely. You. Deserve. That. You just have to advocate for yourself for a while until you find that person that will advocate for you and with you. And when you find that fit and it is the right fit, it's so overwhelmingly comforting and satisfying. And safe feeling and just amazing. I hope that you have experienced that and you know what I'm talking about, but if you haven't it is waiting for you out there and there's nothing like it and the progress that you can make and the self-esteem that you can build. And the confidence that you can gain is overwhelming and life-changing and I wish nothing more for you than that. I know you can't find it and I know you can experience it and I know that you can let go of so much of what is when you done right now when you do find the right person so go! Seek! Find! What time only moves in one direction and unfortunately it was faster and faster every day so make the most of it. Do what you can each day. Whether it be just open a browser with a thought of finding that counselor that day. Or maybe you actually type in your insurance companies name and find their customer service number so you can call them and have them send you some in-network providers. Maybe you actually feel good enough to make a phone call to one of those providers that day. Maybe you don't, but each day that it's on your mind and you're thinking about it. You're moving closer to the end goal and it doesn't matter how much or how little progress you make in a day is just that you're making that progress and you'll get there eventually and you'll get there in your own time when you're supposed to get there. So don't beat yourself up and don't be hard on yourself if it takes you longer than you think it should. Or it doesn't. There's no time limit or constraint on it. Just make it a positive experience cuz that's what it is and don't let yourself beat yourself up about it for any reason because it doesn't do anybody any good especially you. And you don't need another thing to unravel with your counselor when you get there, right?! At least I don't! Haha kidding, if you pick up 100 more things to talk about between now and the time you find them, that's totally fine. I probably will because I'm great to picking up new things to talk to my counselor about trust me. Okay, I'm starting to digress and lose my focus so I will wrap this one up!

I don’t see a better future for myself and I feel like I don’t deserve one because of what I’ve gone through with my OCD and the mistakes I’ve made.

I feel like my life is …. before it ever even started.

I'm sorry, that last one was really long. I hope you bear with me and at least skim over it because I feel like I know what you're feeling at least in that regard and I feel like I've been there and I feel like at least I hope that maybe something. I say my click with you and give you some hope and maybe a little fire to find the right fit for you and I can't promise that this one isn't going to be equally as long which I apologize for in advance! Sell control and inhibitions aren't my strong suit. Especially when I'm speaking from an emotional place and care about the person I'm speaking to. And I know I don't know you and I know you don't know me. But I feel like I know your struggle a little bit and I do care about you. Your post has made me stop in my tracks from gathering up all my dirty clothes that I need to go take to the laundromat because I can feel the pain that you are experiencing and that you likely have experienced for quite a while and it's something I can't even control. I just have to do everything I can to try to help you in some way. Not that you're a charity case or that you need my help or anything cuz I know you were strong, capable. Wonderful human being but I feel like I have a few years on you and if I have experienced the things I have for any reason. I hope it's so that I can help other people with the experiences in some way, which is what I'm trying to do here. And I hope I'm not completely convoluting my words and rambling too much. I hope I'm at least a little bit coherent haha. I don't know specifically what you are referring to, but I guarantee you, any "mistakes" that you've made with your OCD is in no way a reflection on your character or what a good or bad person you are. I promise you that. And I also would not classify anything to do with your OCD a mistake or not. It's all just an experience. It's all just a state of being. It's all just things that happen or don't happen. They're not permanent. They're not a reflection of you, they're not written in a book somewhere that's going to be thrown at you later and thrown in your face. Your inherent goodness is proven by your morals by your ethics by your behavior that is driven by those morals and ethics, the values that you leave your life by. And just in the short glimpse into the window of you from this post. I would bet money if I was a betting girl, that you are kind, that you are considerate, that you're self aware, that you put others before yourself, probably too often and too much, I would venture to guess that you pick people up when you see them down and that you carry the burden of comments like your therapist made about your father and all the others. Others people have carelessly and cruelly thrown at you with a quiet grace and I doubt you're the one bitching and complaining all the time to everyone that will listen about anything. I bet you console those people even though you know that your experience has been more challenging than theirs, but I doubt that you judge them for that. And I do imagine any judgments that you do make are not truly judgments about their character and they're just done in self-preservation mode so that you can get through that day. My guess is that you're a pretty dang good person, despite what you might tell yourself because in my experience the people who are the hardest on themselves generally tend to be the best people to be around and the ones who really will have your back when you need it. And I have a feeling that's you and I'm sure that you can come up with a million reasons to disagree with me. But I hope you don't. I hope you just think of the good things about yourself and agree with me. For once. Just be easy on yourself. It's not a bad thing to be light with yourself and to appreciate the positive aspects of yourself. It's actually a really good, healthy life-changing thing if you let it be. But I will stop rambling now because I'm sure you have other things that she would be rather be doing. But I don't know. There's something about you that I am drawn to and I feel for and I want to help feel better and I hope in some small way I did that. And if I didn't and I just wasted your time I really really apologize. That was not my intention. I just want to give you a digital hug because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to be validated. You deserve to feel good about yourself, regardless and despite and in spite of OCD and anything else external in the world. You deserve to feel the love for yourself that you deserve to feel regardless of anything and I want you to feel that and I want you to know that it's there and it's okay for you to indulge in that and to feel good about yourself no matter what. Embrace your positive qualities that you like about yourself. Enhance them. Make them stand out. You deserve to be happy, my friend. You deserve to feel the complete opposite of the way your post feels. If anything, I hope you can laugh at this rambling 36 year old idiot who has been trying in a billion words to say something that you don't even care to hear or you don't even know what she's saying because they're so rambling and coherent and have a good laugh at my expense. I don't care it just I just want you to feel a little bit better. However, that can happen. Good luck to you. I know you can do great things and go far because I know you're smart girl clearly intelligent and have a lot to offer the world and as soon as you realize that I think the sky's the limit for you and you can look back on these darker days with a brand new understanding and clarity. And then you two can hopefully find someone who is in need of your words and you can do better job than I have done at helping them in whatever way they need help that day. Ok. 🤗👋 O and YOU DESERVE AN AMAZING FUTURE!!!! See that out loud! Say it out loud every day say it allowed every time you think about it see it out loud every time you think the opposite. Write it in every notebook journal planner piece of paper that you have so you see it all the time. It is true. The opposite is not true. I really would love you to know that. & Please, please please please stop telling yourself otherwise if only for 5 minutes, just do yourself a favor and stop telling yourself otherwise for any amount of time because you're doing yourself no justice but repeating to yourself that you don't. And I truly believe you'll have one if you just let yourself.

O good! I'm so happy you liked it. Hopefully the second one is helpful on some way too. You deserve it, miss. I hope you will know that in your core sooner than later.